


When You Are Alone

by BossToaster (ChaoticReactions)



Series: Don't Let's Start [4]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Found Family, Gen, Kuron is Shiro (Voltron)'s Clone, Learning to deal with each other, Of the strangest variety, Season/Series 03, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-03
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-08 18:57:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 26,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12260169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaoticReactions/pseuds/BossToaster
Summary: 5 times Shiro and Ryou disagreed.Updates every other day.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please make sure to read the series before this fic: it won't make much sense otherwise

Noise coming from the hangers wasn’t unusual. Hell, Shiro had learned to ignore all kinds of crashes, bangs, booms, so long as they originated from one of those rooms.

This was a little unusual, though.

When Shiro opened the door, he was nearly knocked off his feet by a wave of sound. Covering one ear, he winced as he identified the four-chord structure and peppy background beat of the usual pop radio nonsense. That was bad enough on its own, but the song was being played at a volume that was probably audible back on Earth.

Inside the lab, Hunk and Pidge worked industriously on an engine, pulled from the Galra cruiser Ryou had stolen. Rather than putting it on a table or the ground, then had hung it a solid five feet off the ground. Behind them, Matt sat on a table, screens projected around him. He was currently shouting something, but the words were drowned out by the music.

And Ryou was standing on  _ top  _ of the engine, holding onto the chain for balance and laughing his head off.

"I don't think-" Shiro sighed when even he couldn't hear his voice over the sound of the music. Useless. So instead he walked over to the console and tapped on it, suddenly shutting off the cacophony.

"-AND THAT'S WHEN I SAID-" Matt reared back, frowning, then froze at the sight of Shiro. "Hey, we were listening to that!"

Shiro eyed him. "No, you were destroying your ear drums with that." Looking up, he eyed Ryou's perch. "I don't think that's up to work place safety regulations. Last I checked, you were supposed to be wearing harnesses if your feet were off the ground. And you weren't supposed to stand on hanging engines."

"Eh," Ryou replied, flapping a prosthetic hand at Shiro. "If I fall, I go in the pod. Easy as that."

"And if you fall and break your neck in front of everyone?"

Ryou waggled his brows. "It'll be a valuable lesson."

Glaring at him, Shiro swallowed his growing frustration. It was hard enough to get Pidge and Hunk to follow safety procedures, despite the fact that they were basically common sense. Matt had only been a bad influence, and now Ryou was being the worst of the lot. He  _ knew _ what a pain it was to have to act like everyone's lab safety officer when they should all know better.

Judging by the cheeky grin he was getting, that might have been why Ryou was doing this.

Ignoring him for now, Shiro turned to Pidge and Hunk instead. "What are you doing?"

"Just making some improvements," Pidge replied easily, shrugging. Most of her face was neutral, but her eyes were bright with impish mischief. "The Galra don't invest a lot of time or resources into these little things, so we figured it could use some help."

Hunk nodded. "Like, for example, going fast enough to keep up with the castle for a little while. And we've also added a chamber for supplies."

Gesturing to the screens, Matt grinned like a fiend. "And my darling little sister made the most amazing rocket boost, and we're adding that in too."

"You mean the one that blew up on Keith and Allura?"

That knocked the glee out of Pidge's expression. "Yes, well, I warned them about that. And I think I made some improvements on it. Ryou and Hunk helped. And Matt." The words came out reluctantly, and she shot her brother a playfully unhappy look.

"I know my way around a Galra engine," Matt confirmed, just a bit too light, and eyes just a bit too distant. “Besides, I told you way back at the Garrison that your brains were wasted on your dumb jock profession, Shiro.”

Sitting down on the engine, Ryou waved down at them. “I live to please.”

Shiro sighed and shot them both a flat look. "Okay. Well, as long as it doesn't kill anyone." That was the best he was going to get out of them. The rest he ignored. Flying was what he loved, and it was no waste, despite Matt’s opinion. Or how Ryou was soaking up the approval like a smug sponge.

Shooting him a thumbs up, Hunk plastered on a smile. "We'll do our best."

"And none of that explains why Ryou is on top of that engine."

Ryou snickered and jumped down, landing on the concrete floor with one knee down. The impact made a loud crack, and Shiro winced. Ow.

"I climbed up to check on a valve," Ryou replied, shrugging with performative, annoying ease. "And then I got distracted by the music. It's a fun song."

Shock stilled Shiro completely. "No, it isn't."

Matt groaned and scrubbed his face. "Ah, hell, Shiro."

"No, it's not. And- fine, whatever, you like it. Sure. I know he doesn't."

"What's wrong with the song?" Hunk asked. He pushed his goggles up, making his bangs stick up in odd directions. "It's on the radio all the time at home."

Shiro made a face. "That doesn't make it good."

Sighing, Matt shot Shiro a flat look. "Shiro's a music hipster. There's no talking sense into him."

"Sorry I don't like listening to the same song over and over," Shiro shot back flatly. "Where the only difference is what baby faced douche-lord is pretending to croon to you, preteen target audience."

Pidge whistled. "Damn, Shiro. It's a song, jeez."

Shrugging, Shiro slid his hands into his pockets. "It's true. The industry is designed to pump out the same garbage over and over. Either it ignores people who are genuinely talented because they’re not marketable, or it takes them for their money and screws them out of a deal. My nature, the industry files off any hint of creativity for the sake of being as market testable and widely accessible as possible. When you need to speak to the generic experiences of everyone who listens to a certain genre, you're not talking about anything real."

"I had to deal with this the whole way to Kerberos," Matt grumbled, flopping back on his table-turned-chair. "Every damn time I wanted to listen to anything Top 40. Meanwhile, he listened to all gruff 20-somethings ranting angrily into a microphone over a single guitar track and a drum kit."

Shiro bristled. "You mean independent artists not backed by a label, but making music that speaks to them."

"You say potato, I say low budget shitty hipster grunge."

"I do like it," Ryou finally said, voice raising up high. "The song. I like it. It's dance-able."

Shiro didn't even look over at him. "No, you don't. We have the same taste in music. It's crap and you know it."

"You don't know half as much as you think you do," Ryou shot back, tone darkening. When Shiro finally glanced back, his cheeks were flushed and his hands were clenched into tight fists. "We're not the same person."

Shiro raised one brow. "Well, yeah, clone. Close enough. You have my memories."

"Not all of them," Hunk offered. He leaned back from their combined sharp looks. "He doesn't! And Ryou, you have memories of your own too that Shiro doesn't have. So it makes sense that your tastes are starting to diverge, right?"

Pidge nodded, gaze brightening again. "Actually, it makes a lot of sense. He doesn't have a complete picture of the experiences that made Shiro have the tastes he does, so of course he wouldn't share them." She tilted her head, glancing between them both. "It's kind of fascinating, actually."

Or Ryou was just being contrary for the sake of it. Either or. But Shiro was smart enough not to say that.

"Exactly," Ryou agreed, chin held up. He looked down his nose at Shiro, surprisingly successful given that they were the exact same height. "So if you don't like it, you can get lost and let us go back to listening."

"Are you going to wear your safety harness?" Shiro asked, bone dry. "All of you?"

Hunk shook his head. "My feet are staying firmly on the ground, no need for one. And I'm wearing my goggles, so I'm good. Honestly, we shouldn't need it after this."

Eying them all one last time, Shiro finally sighed. "Alright, fine. Say safe, don't break anything, let me know if one of you ends up in a pod."

Matt snapped off a deeply sarcastic salute. "Will do. I'm supervising. Which I'm qualified to do, unlike you."

"Says the cadet."

"I graduated," Matt said, pointing a wrench at Shiro for emphasis. "I just went back. That's not technically being a cadet. We're the same rank."

Holding up his hands, Shiro sighed. "Alright, alright. Fine. Keep it down this time? Listen to what you want, sure, but I want you to be able to hear if the alarms go off. And I could hear it all the way down the halls."

Ryou smiled with far too many teeth. "Will do."

Yeah, that didn't bode well.

But for the moment that wasn't Shiro's problem. So he waved over his shoulder as he slipped back out. Within moments, the music started back up, though thankfully much quieter than before.

Good enough.

***

But of course, that couldn't be it.

That night at dinner, in the midst of the usual play-arguing, real-arguing, eating, and jostling, Ryou started to hum. The same pop track from in the lab, perky and generic as ever.

The song choice itself was bad enough. Shiro was still pretty sure Ryou was insisting he liked the bubblegum nonsense just to be different, even if it was a lie. But his humming was- well, it was the same as Shiro's. Which was to say, bad.

For all he enjoyed music, Shiro had never had much of a talent for it himself. When singing along with someone else, he could sound passable, but on his own it was rocky.

Which Ryou knew.

And judging by the sly side glances he was shooting Shiro, it was on purpose.

Worse still, Lance perked when Ryou started to hum, then gave a full on grin. "Hey! I didn't know you knew that song. I thought it came out too recently."

"It did," Ryou replied. "Never heard it on Earth. I've never heard any songs on Earth."

Groaning, Lance elbowed him in the side. "Yeah, yeah, we get it."

Ryou snickered back. "Pidge has it, and she was playing it in the garage, so now it's stuck in my head. That's all."

"Fair enough," Lance replied. "Now it's going to be stuck in my head all day long, too. It’s a total ear worm."

Grinning, Ryou shrugged one shoulder. "I like it."

"I didn't say I don't like it, I said it's going to be stuck forever. Especially that first part of the chorus."

Across the table, Allura tilted her head. "I don't think I've heard much of your Earth music. I usually see you wearing your head phams."

"Headphones," Pidge corrected absently, not looking up from where she was constructing a very elaborate mashed not-potato sculpture. She utterly ignored Hunk's unhappy looks.

Allura nodded. "Those. I can hear some of it, but not very well. Do you care to share? I'm curious how different it is from Altean music."

Popping up, Matt moved to the wall console. "I can pull it up over here, one second."

"I could sing it," Ryou offered, and this time his smile was definitely edged.

Alright, so Shiro should have kept his mouth shut and not told Ryou what he did and didn't like. Fine. He wasn't wrong, but fine.

This was a step too far.

Following his gaze, Lance frowned at Shiro, and then at Ryou. "I mean, if you want to, but Matt is going to play it."

"It'd be a good exercise," Ryou continued, pointedly staring Shiro down, not even an attempt to be subtle. "Allura wants to hear."

Allura frowned at Ryou, eyes flickering to Shiro and then back. "If I was being rude in asking, I apologize."

"You weren't," Hunk said, patting her arm. "It's something between them."

The song started, the peppy, bubbling intro overlayed with a generic club beat. As it began to build, Ryou opened his mouth and took a deep breath-

"Please don't," Shiro finally said, burying his face in his hands. "Please."

Ryou's brows rose. "I figured you'd appreciate it more if it wasn't studio produced."

"I'm sorry, alright? You can listen to whatever music you want to, fine. Just don't sing."

Smirking, Ryou leaned back in his chair, utterly smug.

Shiro hadn't known his face looked like that. He wanted to believe the white hair made it worse, but it probably didn't.

"You want to explain any of this?" Pidge asked, bone dry.

Matt raised his hand. "Oh, oh, I know! Pick me!"

Rolling his eyes, Keith huffed. "Shiro is below average at singing, so he hates it."

"We suck," Ryou confirmed cheerfully.

"You're meh," Matt said, rolling his eyes. "I've heard way worse before. From my sister."

Pidge inclined her head. "Guilty. Utterly tone deaf, basically."

"You sound like a frog gremlin."

"I already agreed! You don't have to keep going."

Keith rested his chin on his hand, watching them both. "Did you two have a fight or something?"

"Eh," Ryou replied. "I think we see eye to eye, now."

Shiro scowled but didn't disagree.

Was this what it was going to be like, now? Apparently Ryou had somehow avoided getting what Shiro thought was a healthy amount of restraint. So, if they ever disagreed, he was going to be held hostage by the things he was embarrassed of?

He really, really hoped not.

Something must have shown on his face, because Ryou's smile dropped. "Anyway, sorry, Princess, I was making a point. Want us to start the song over?"

"No, I can hear fine." One of Allura's eyes twitched as if to prove her point. Shiro looked away, afraid to be caught staring at them, and noticed with wry amusement that Ryou did the same.

Coran nodded along with the beat. "It is quite catchy. Have you heard some of the music I have on board?"

"Oh, Coran, that won't be necessary-"

"I want to hear it!" Lance offered, perking up.

Allura's grimace was quickly covered with her water glass, even as Coran bounced up and stepped over to the console.

The sound of something that sounded remarkably like classical music filled the kitchen, as Coran started to wax poetic about his days as a rebellious youth, and how it still informed his music choices.

And if Ryou shot Shiro a smirk during the story, that was just between them.

***

Later, Shiro hunted Ryou down in the hallways.

It wasn't hard to do, when he was still humming that damn song.

"Hey," he greeted, stepping over. "Can we talk?"

Ryou paused, then nodded. "Yeah, sure. We need to?" His eyes went wide. "Oh! I wasn't humming to be annoying anymore. It's honestly stuck in my head, now."

"Mine too," Shiro replied, voice much darker. "Thanks for that."

Laughing, Ryou glanced down the hallway. "Is this something we need privacy for?"

Shiro shook his head. "No, it shouldn't take long. Just- I'm sorry for..." Being correct about bad music. Pointing out that bad music was bad and Ryou had better taste than that. "For dictating your tastes onto you."

"Apology accepted," Ryou replied easily. "I got you back, so we're even. That's all?"

"No." Shiro sighed. "Can we agree to... not do certain things?"

Ryou frowned. "Look, I get that you're shy about it, but I'm not going to never sing because you don't like hearing yourself."

Groaning, Shiro shook his head. "No, not like that. You can sing if you feel like humiliating yourself. I mean to get back at me. Revenge. If I'm not allowed to make broad generalizations about you based on me, then you don't use my memories and insecurities to hit me back. Alright?"

"Oh." Ryou tilted his head. "Yeah, I guess that's fair. I'd say same to you, but I don't care."

Shiro looked over the identical face, head tilted. "You really don't, huh? Why not?"

"We're different," Ryou replied flatly. "We have to be, or else I'm not allowed to stay here. I'm taking your role or whatever."

Stomach dropping, Shiro's shoulders slumped. "That doesn't mean you have to lie about what you like."

"I'm not lying!" Ryou groaned and pushed his bangs back. "Jeez, c'mon. I'm not making it up. I like the song. It'd be fun to dance too, it's silly, it's goofy. I just want to listen to something easy, and I really do have different tastes than you. Unlike you, I'm giving it a chance."

Put like that, Shiro could almost understand.

Almost.

"What I'm getting at is that I'm taking the things I thought I was - you - and deciding who I want to be from there." Ryou leaned against the wall, crossing his arms. "I don't get to be their leader. I don't get to be anyone's golden boy. I don't have anyone to impress. So what's the point of putting on airs or bothering to be ashamed of stuff like singing?"

What indeed.

The point was that Shiro liked controlling the way people saw him. He kept his specific haircut, he stayed well groomed, his posture was perfect, his words were carefully chosen. It wasn't shame, it was just what made him comfortable.

But Ryou had already had that ripped away completely. The way people saw him was ‘the clone’.

The longer Shiro was part of the team, the more he relaxed his walls. But he didn't think he could ever go without them, not really. That reservation was fundamentally part of who Shiro was.

But not part of Ryou.

That was, perhaps, the biggest departure between them that Shiro had seen yet. And one that made  _ sense _ to have changed.

"I understand," Shiro said. "Sorry again for before."

Ryou shrugged. "It's fine. And I still agree about the industry. But, hey, any port in a storm. We don't have your music here. Pidge said the Garrison recovered the Daedelus, though, so maybe it's still out there somewhere."

Chest tightening, Shiro nodded. "I hope so." So much of that music was long out of production. It would be impossible to replace.

Clapping him on the shoulder, Ryou offered a smile. "Are we good?"

"We're good," Shiro replied. "Even if your taste is objectively crap."

"Objective nothing, you snob." Ryou rolled his eyes, but he smiled as he continued his way, humming to himself.

As Shiro headed to his room, he found himself humming as well.

The same damn pop song.

"Crap."


	2. Chapter 2

“I’ve got this one,” Lance said, shooting Ryou two thumbs up.

Ryou eyed him, admittedly dubious. “You sure? If it’s the ‘out of this world’ pick-up line again…” He tilted his head, nose crinkling, and glanced out into the crowd of milling locals.

Scowling, Lance dropped his hands. “That line is a classic! It’s great. Everyone likes that joke.”

Ryou’s brows rose as he raised one finger. “First of all, she’s not out of this world. She’s on her world. We’re out of our world, it doesn’t make sense in context to her.”

Lance crossed his arms. “Alright. I’ll give you that. But it’s-”

“Second of all,” he said, raising the second finger, “it’s a pretty terrible line.”

Lance scowled. “No, it’s not!”

“It really is, Lance. C’mon, moves like that never work. Or, okay, maybe they work ironically, where they’re charmingly dorky. No person, lady-identifying or otherwise, has ever really been swept off their feet by a canned pick-up line.” Ryou eyed him, unbothered by the stubborn posture. “Lance, you know better. If it’s something you can use on everyone, they can tell it’s insincere.”

Drawing himself up, Lance put his hands on his hips. “Fine. I’d like to see you do better.”

Ryou glanced over at where Allura and Shiro were dealing with the local leaders. This was the boring part, where they worked on the little details of how they’d contact each other in case of need, such as Lotor attacking or natural disasters, and what exactly a Voltron-level emergency was.

Frankly, Ryou was glad to wash his hands of that. To go with an overused joke, he was a pilot, not a diplomat.

Okay, not a pilot. A mechanic. Whatever.

Even if he wasn’t part of the talks anymore, there were certain expectations on the paladins to behave in a respectful way.

…Then again, Ryou wasn’t exactly a paladin either, was he? Hmm.

Looking around at the crowd of tall, spindly aliens, Ryou picked out the group of chatting feminine-presenting aliens that Lance had been eying speculatively earlier. Once in awhile they would glance around.  When one of them saw his gaze, then ducked their head, and all of them laughed.

“I’m really not sure this is the best idea,” Ryou finally replied, turning back to Lance. “I don’t want to lose my planet privileges.”

Lance huffed. “Shiro and Allura aren’t going to lock you in on the castle when the rest of us are out, don’t be ridiculous.”

Yeah, ridiculous. Ryou had never felt confined to the Castle of Lions while everyone else was out before. Ludicrous.

But that was Ryou’s burden. So far as everyone else seemed to think, Ryou was perfectly content throwing himself into gearhead-dom. 

It was probably true that they wouldn’t lock him back up. Lance got away with this behavior all the time, after all. And it was unbecoming conduct for a leader, but Ryou had already lost the Black Lion. He  _ wasn’t _ the leader, simple as that.  So why not?

Besides, Ryou (and Shiro) had never been great at turning down a challenge.

“Yeah, alright,” he finally replied. “Here, push me in the water.”

Lance glanced over at the fountain, brows up. “What?”

“I have a plan. Push me in the wa-”

Without any extra hesitation, Lance shoved him back into the little pool.

It wasn’t very deep, but it was plenty enough to make a huge splash, especially since he fell prosthetic first. Immediately, there was a commotion behind him, and he heard Allura and Keith both snap Lance’s name.

(Oops. Ryou owed Lance one.)

Slowly, held pushed himself back up, holding up a hand. “Sorry, got caught off guard. That was on me. Bad balance.”

“You alright?” Hunk called, his cup halfway to his lips and eyes wide with alarm.

“Of course,” Ryou replied, laughing. “Just soaked. And smelling like rainwater. Otherwise fine.”

Stepping over, Lance put his hand on Ryou’s arm. “Didn’t bruise anything?”

Ryou flashed him a smile back. “Not even my pride. And I can do this.” With that, he pulled off his Altean-style shirt and shook his head, spraying water around him like a dog.

“Ugh!” Lance held up his hands and took a step back, but he was grinning widely. “Not exactly charming.”

“Not yet.” With that he gave Lance one last smirk, then put on his best sheepish expression and stepped over to the alien girls.  They were all watching the commotion with curious interest. Ryou hung his shirt on his metal forearm, obscuring it slightly so he looked less intimidating. Then he looked at them through his soaked bangs. “Hi there. Do any of you happen to know where I could get a towel or a change of clothes here?”

Immediately, the three glanced at each other, clearly holding back laughter. It could be nervous giggles or it could be laughing at Ryou. Either way was fine: they were in a good mood, and likely to be persuaded to see him positively.

“Um, why don’t you go get more from your big castle?” The one on the right with the curly black hair and dark grey skin gestured back. The Castle of Lions loomed over the little town, dwarfing the buildings and clock tower.

Leaning in, Ryou gave them a sheepish smile. “Well, I could. But, honestly? I was going to see if I could get a shirt like yours out of this. I really like the colors.” They were a riot of bright blues and yellows, nearly tie-dye. It was obnoxiously bright, and that was part of the reason Ryou liked them. He really needed more color in his wardrobe anyway.

“There’s a store pretty close,” the middle one offered, curling her hair around the beads hanging from her hair. “If you want to go there. I wonder if they give free stuff for people who helped drive off the Galra?”

Ryou shrugged. “I’m not sure. Paying isn’t a problem, and I wasn’t one of the ones in the lions.”

“Aww.” The third one pouted, crossing her arms. “You’re not?”

“Nope,” Ryou replied, keeping his tone bright and cheerful. “I help on the Castle. Firing the lasers and all that.”

The mood noticeably picked up at that. “Can you show us?” The third one asked, red eyes bright and eager. “I’d love to see.”

Thinking of Nyma, Ryou fought to keep his smile up. “Not while talks are going on. But depending on how they go, there might be a big party there in a bit. Then I can show you around. For now, I’d love to see more of your town.”

“Sure,” the second one offered, sliding up next to him. She offered him an easy smile. “Why not? I’m Vis.”

“Ryou.” He offered his left arm, curious what she would do with it. In an instant, she wrapped her arms around his elbow, leaning into him.

Judging by the giggles her two friends let out, that was not standard.

Well, that worked for Ryou anyway, so ha.

“What about you two?” He asked, glancing back over his shoulder.

The first girl stepped up to his other side. “I’m Yuhna.”

“Denryon,” said the third.

Beaming at them, Ryou nodded for the town. “Nice to meet you all. Now, which way are we going?”

Laughing, Vis half dragged him along, and Ryou easily responded to their chatter. He glanced once more over his shoulder and caught Lance sticking his tongue out, though he was clearly laughing around it.

Ryou flashed him a toothy grin back, unabashedly smug.  If someone was going to issue him a challenge, he was going to win.  End of story.  At least Lance didn’t seem upset about it.

Then, as he turned away, Ryou accidentally caught Shiro’s gaze.

His eyes were round, and there was a hint of color to his ears. Shiro frowned, then turned away quickly, speaking to Allura.

Oh, boy. This was going to be a  _ conversation _ later, wasn’t it?

Ah, well. It had been  _ years _ since Ryou had gotten to flirt. Or, technically, he never had. So he was going to enjoy it, dammit. Especially while his comm unit was still hooked around his ear, meaning he was perfectly safe.

So, screw Shiro’s reservations. Ryou was going to have some fun with a group of girls that wanted him to play around with him. And there was nothing he could do about it.

***

“Ryou,” Allura called, stepping over to their group. She still held one of the castle’s goblets loosely in her hands, and she smiled at Vis, Yuhna and Venryon. “I apologize to interrupt, but we need you for the rest of the festivities.” Using her other hand, she gestured at the milling party, taking up the greeting hall of the castle.

“Aww,” Denryon said, resting her head against Ryou’s shoulder. “But we’ve been having fun.”

Beaming, Ryou sighed dramatically. “Well, duty calls. It’s been great talking with you three. Next time we’re in the area, I’ll send a message, alright?”

“You’d better,” Vis said. She scooted off his side, so Ryou could stand. “Go do very important laser things.”

Laughing, Ryou stood, then bowed to them. “With your permission. I told you, I do other things as well. Like eat a lot of Hunk’s food and baby talk the lions. This place would fall apart without me.”

Snickering, Yuhna waved him off. “You’re ridiculous. Go on, now.”

With a last wave, Ryou sided up next to Allura. “Am I really needed, or was that an escape route?”

“The latter more than the former,” Allura replied easily. “Mostly, Lance has been complaining about your success. If I didn’t retrieve you and give Hunk a break, I think he might attempt to take Yellow and flee.”

Ryou snickered. “For the sake of the universe and Voltron, I guess I’ll go be an adult with you all. He didn’t seem mad before, is Lance alright?” He glanced ahead, where most of the team was already clustered by the food table. A glance around proved Matt was currently surrounded by a small group, accounting some dramatic tale, but Coran was nowhere to be seen.

Shaking her head, Allura took a sip of her drink. “No, it’s fond complaining. But even that gets old.” She raised her cup in greeting to the others as they came in listening range. “And I figured I would give you a break before you found yourself more entwined than you may have intended. It’s difficult to predict how an evening might go. I’m not sure about the customs of these people, but Gyrgan nearly found himself eaten by a paramour on a planet in sector Isntin.”

Halfway through a bite of something neon blue, Pidge choked. “Like a praying mantis situation?”

Allura frowned. “I can’t be sure, since I don’t know what that is. But he would have been nourishment for the making of children.”

“Yeah, that.”

Doing his best to keep a straight face, Ryou shrugged. “That’s not a deal breaker.”

This time, it was Lance who choked. Wheezing, he leaned against the table and wiped his drink off his chin. “Holy crow,” he managed, coughing between words. “I’m not sure I needed to know that. About either of you.” He eyed Shiro pointedly, grinning widely.

Oh. Damn. That was going to go well.

Flushing darkly, Shiro stared Lance down until he held up his hands in peace offering. Then he turned his glare onto Ryou. “Please try to keep this appropriate.”

“It was completely appropriate in the context of the conversation,” Ryou shot back.

Keith snorted. “The conversation as a whole was kind of gross. We’re eating. I don’t need to think about aliens making in-bed snacks of us right now.”

Lance took a deep breath, and from the look on his face he was going to make a joke about alternate version of the word ‘eat’. But Pidge elbowed him hard, and he stopped cold. “Ow! Jeez.”

“Regardless,” Shiro continued, gaze still locked onto Ryou. “If this is going to be a theme, there should be rules about wandering off. Remember Nyma?”

“I had my comms on,” Ryou replied, tapping his left ear to prove it. “And I wasn’t letting my guard down. It was a dare.”

Hunk rolled his eyes. “Oh, trust me, we know.”

Inclining her head, Allura gave him a soft smile. “I have to agree on Shiro with this. Even if you’re prepared, it’s possible for you to be taken off guard.”

“Hard to do,” Ryou replied dryly. “And I really didn’t have plans for going anywhere. Mostly they wanted stories and a bit of flattery. It was just fun. But in the future I’ll stick closer, alright?”

Shiro gave a reluctant nod, but there was still a hint of color to his cheeks. “We should start to wrap up soon. I’m glad this went well, but I don’t want to give anyone a chance to slip deeper into the castle. Just in case.”

“Coran is monitoring it,” Allura replied. “But if you’d like to check for yourself, I’m sure he’d appreciate a chance to enjoy the party himself.”

Aww, Coran had been missing out? Poor guy. “I’ll go,” Ryou offered. “I know the sensors pretty well by now, so it won’t be a problem. For now-” he pointed to Lance. “Next time, remind me to actually bet something when you dare me. For right now, I was right.”

Lance rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. I should have figured your plan out before you pulled off your shirt. Ridiculous.” He waved Ryou on. “Next time you won’t win, so deal.  Be sure not to be anything you can’t lose.”

Shooting him a toothy smile, Ryou started for the door. 

Shiro moved into step next to him. “I will too. I’ll feel better if I check for myself.”

“Of course,” Allura replied. “We’ll notify you when we’re about to end this. I’ll need you for talks.”

Shiro nodded to her, flashing a smile. Then he opened the door to let Ryou through, before closing it behind him.

“Was your real point to lecture me?”

Sighing, Shiro shook his head. “No, not really. I do want to check the sensors. I keep feeling like something’s sneaking by me.”

Ryou nodded and sighed. It was a feeling he was familiar with, though he’d been too distracted to dwell on it yet today. “I didn’t mean for the joke to reflect back on you,” he offered. “I promised you.”

Glancing sideways at him, Shiro’s expression softened. “Yeah, you did. Thanks. I don’t think it’s possible, though. It’s too good a joke for everyone to let slide.”

“I can talk to Lance,” Ryou offered. “He doesn’t mean anything by it, especially when I’m kidding.”

Shiro stared ahead at the hallway, shrugging one shoulder. “He can’t help it. Even if all of them stopped making jokes, it’s impossible for your behavior not to reflect back on me.”

Biting his tongue, Ryou looked away. It was true, but it wasn’t fair. Ryou didn’t want to constantly be tied to Shiro, just as much as Shiro didn’t want it back. He should be able to like things because he liked it, not because Shiro did or didn’t. Or to be able to express a simple preference without the obvious follow up question.

But the reality was that Ryou was a clone, and he’d only known that for a couple of months, now. Was that even enough time to be a different person?

Ryou was trying. He really was. But the more he made progress, the more it felt like he was just putting on a show, and not actually changing as a person. Who was he fooling?

“Did it bother you?” Ryou finally asked. “That I was flirting?”

“I-” Shiro paused, then opened the door to the control panel. “Hello, Coran.”

“Hello, Shiro, Ryou.” Coran stood from his chair, offering a smile. “Is there something you need help with?”

Ryou waved him off. “Nah, no problems. We figured you deserved a chance to go hang out too.”

Relaxing slightly, Coran huffed, but he didn’t bother to try and hide his smile. “No need for that. Hunk thoughtfully sent me snacks and a drink, so I’ve been quite content here.”

“Even so,” Shiro replied. “You deserve a chance to relax too. And it would make me feel better to be able to monitor the situation completely.”

Coran’s whole expression softened. “Of course,” he replied, tone gentling too. “Well, in that case, thank you for the break. I could use another drink, to be honest. You’ll be alright monitoring on your own?”

“No different then checking for damage for energy blasts,” Ryou replied. “If I can do it when Lotor’s firing on us, I think I can do it while we’re landed.  You go get a drink and bask in the admiration.”

Chuckling, Coran nodded. “Alright. Though I have no need for additional admiration.  My record speaks for itself.”

“Yeah, no need at all.  Where are those Okari cubes, again?”

Coran huffed, but he was smiling fondly.  “I merely programmed them to speak the truth.  You’ll both be needed later, I’m sure. Until then, let me know if you have any questions.” He offered them a lash smile, then slipped out.

Ryou waved goodbye to him, then turned to grin at Shiro. “That was  _ sneaky. _  ‘Oh, do me a favor, Coran.’”

“It’s true,” Shiro replied, shrugging. “And if Coran would feel less guilty about relaxing if he had an excuse, I can provide that. It’s the least I can do, with all the hard work he puts into helping us.”

“Still sneaky,” Ryou replied, his smile not budging. He sat down in the chair Coran had vacated, expanding the screen so they could both easily watch. “You cut off. The flirting bothered you?”

Shiro sighed and sat down. “Not for its own sake. You were being respectful. Mind, I really don’t agree with you wandering off.”

“Don’t pretend you don’t let everyone else wander out of your sight,” Ryou said, eying him. “I know that’s not true. We split up all the time.”

“You don’t,” Shiro replied.

Ryou raised a brow. “Because I haven’t had a chance. I don’t exactly go planet side often, these days. Easier to keep me on the castle, I guess.”

Expression closing off, Shiro looked away. His hands twitched in his lap, then clasped together. Hiding something.

Nerves? Distaste for Ryou wandering off? Guilt?

“You don’t like me on the planet at all,” Ryou said flatly, turning away. “I get it. Because I’m a clone?”

“No!” Shiro turned to look at him. “You’re right, it’s easy to get nervous about you. Not because you’re a clone. I trust that Pidge and Hunk’s work on the arm will keep you from getting into a worst case scenario. It’s just more to keep track of.”

Ryou stared sullenly at the screen, watching the milling life signatures circulate the hall. There were three clustered close together where Ryou had been an hour ago, and he wondered if it was his new friends. “Worry I’ll mess with team dynamics?”

There was no response, which was answer enough.

“I don’t know what I need to prove anymore,” Ryou admitted. “I don’t know how to show that I’m not trying to step on toes. I’m doing my best to avoid it. Does Keith worry that I’ll hurt the team, too?”

Shiro snorted. “Keith worries more about everything than he shows, and you know that very well.”

Yeah, he did.

Right now, it didn’t make Ryou feel better.

“What do I do?”

Shiro scrubbed over his face. “Nothing. Honestly, you’re doing enough. It’s just an adjustment. Same as me stepping down.”

Glancing over, Ryou sat up. “Do I finally get to ask why you didn’t take back the Black Lion?”

Letting out a sigh, Shiro sat down in the closest chair. “It’s not complicated. They’ve had to adjust enough. And they’re doing so well. I don’t want to ruin that dynamic. I don’t want to undo what they’ve made just because I miss my old job.”

Ryou swallowed hard. “You’re more bonded with Black,” he pointed out. “This is war.”

A smile curled Shiro’s lips, distant and sad. “Well, all the more reason not to be the Black Paladin,” he answered. “Because, honestly? I care more about them than the universe and Voltron.”

“And yourself.”

Shiro glanced at him, then away again.

Obviously. It didn’t need to be said.

That applied to his clone, too.

Something still tugged at Ryou, an element to Shiro’s attitude that didn’t quite click. But he didn’t want to push, and Shiro didn’t want to say. They had the same memories, they had so much connecting them, but that didn’t make them close as people. It didn’t make them friends.

Twin jokes aside, sick bickering as the exception, could they really act like brothers?

Or maybe neither of them knew how to be close to a family member. It wasn’t like they had a lot of examples.

“You dodged the question again,” Ryou pointed out. “I still don’t know if the flirting bothers you. Take out the wandering away.”

Shiro groaned. “Would you- it’s complicated.”

“We’re complicated.”

Shooting him a scowl, Shiro slumped farther in his chair, into an tired sprawl. “You’re free to do it. I’m not going to stop you. I’d prefer it didn’t reflect on me, but that’s not your problem. It’s not fair to ask you to stop for that. But, no, I don’t like it. And you know why.”

“If I kept my shirt on?”

Shiro shrugged.

Sighing, Ryou picked up Coran’s abandoned glass, rolling it in his hands. “If I tell you that the scaring isn’t that bad, you’re not going to believe me.”

“No, I won’t. It’s a very polite lie, but it’s still a lie.”

Ryou rolled his eyes. “Fine, you’re not pretty and dainty. You never were. The scars are huge and noticeable, and they remind you of painful things. But most people just see them, not your memories.”

The silence hung, nearly sullen.

“It’s worth your while, to at least come to terms with them,” Ryou continued mercilessly. “They’re not going away.”

Shiro snorted. “Unless I wake up and I’m the clone next, then I get out of it and I get to lecture someone else.”

“You want to be the clone, Shiro? Be my guest. I’ll trade you.”

Shoulders slumping, Shiro winced. “Fair enough. Still. We’re different. I get to decide how I react to my own body.”

“And as a person who doesn’t want to watch you suffer, I can offer advice. It’s not like I don’t want know what I’m talking about,” Ryou said.

Sitting up straighter, Shiro eyed him. “Because you remember having them? Or because you remember how I got more of them?”

Ryou winced and looked away. “Yeah.”

“Ryou.”

Putting the glass back down, Ryou rubbed his right arm, where the metal met flesh. He could feel the rough fabric of the compression sleeve under his shirt, loosened for the moment. “Shiro, don’t.”

The silence hung again. “You remember that year.”

“A little bit more than you. None of it good. Nothing useful, nothing you can use as an excuse to push me, nothing worth sharing. I mentioned some extra details about Lotor to Allura. That’s enough.” Ryou curled in on himself. “Don’t ask me for more.”

Shiro made a noise like he’d started to speak, then cut himself out before he managed a noise. “For tonight.”

Forever, if Ryou had his way.

When did he ever?

“For tonight,” he agreed. “And tomorrow. Honestly, you forgot for a reason, alright? Let it come back to you naturally.”

Shiro let out a gusty breath, but didn’t argue. He didn’t agree, either.

“We’re messed up,” he said instead.

“Yeah, very observant.”

Glancing from the corner of his eyes, Shiro managed a smile. “Was it fun? Flirting again, I mean.”

Ryou managed a small smile back. “Yeah. You should try it sometime.”

Shiro hummed noncommittally.

Close enough for now.

Maybe someday they’d both feel comfortable saying and trying more.

For today, at least someone  _ understood. _


	3. Chapter 3

Shiro stared blearily down at his plate.

His breakfast sat there, nearly untouched. He’d slathered it with whatever sweet sauce that Hunk had provided, hoping that would increase his appetite, but it only made Shiro’s stomach turn.

Some mornings were easier. This wasn’t one of them.

Rubbing over his face, Shiro tried to focus on the conversations around him as the team slowly filled the room.

Hunk was seated next to Allura, both of them cheerful in the early hours. As they chatted, the mice darted out to their plates, sneaking morsels and ducking back into Allura’s lap.

Next to Allura, Pidge slumped into her seat, ignoring the food in favor for a huge of mug of something steaming. When she noticed his stare, she gave a grunt, the best greeting Shiro would get from her this early. He nodded back, not feeling particularly verbal himself. Next to her, Keith was giving her careful space, between eying Shiro thoughtfully.

Shiro looked away quickly, before Keith could see more than he should. He had enough to worry about, these days. He didn’t need to fuss over Shiro as well.

Coran had a pad with him, alternating between flipping through screens and taking huge bites of his food. He was muttering to himself, terms that sounded technological and excited. Occasionally, Pidge would blink blearily at him, but she hadn’t engaged yet. It was only a matter of time.

The seat next to him was empty, waiting for Lance to finally finish his morning routine and join them. There was another next to that for Matt, but he was probably off working on some project and ignoring a need for a meal. Shiro would make sure he got something later, if he hadn’t already.  Unlike his sister, Matt was an early bird, so he often grabbed a snack before breakfast was set up.

The final seat held Ryou. He sipped his water and watched Coran with open interest, listening but not contributing to his stream-of-conscious mutterings.  Either he was more awake than Shiro felt, or he just understood more of it, because he was nodding along in clear fascination.

Finally, Shiro looked back down at his plate.

It looked no more appetizing than it had a minute ago.

Shiro swallowed hard and gently pushed his breakfast away, careful to time it so that Hunk wouldn’t notice.

“You okay?”

Starling badly, Shiro whirled, only to realize that Ryou had scooted his chair in closer. “What?”

Gesturing to his own face, Ryou shrugged. “You seem…” He trailed off pointedly.

“Fine,” Shiro replied, straightening up and setting his shoulders. “You know how it is.”

Ryou’s lips twisted. “Yeah, I do. That’s why I’m asking.” He pulled over his own plate. “I’ll trade plates with you. The vegetable whatevers are pretty unoffensive, and they don’t have a smell. With salt they should be alright.”

Brow furrowing, Shiro eyed him. “You want me to take your food?” He asked, deeply incredulous.

Ryou gave a wry smile. “We’re trading, so it’s fine. It’s controlled, and I know it’s happening. Plus, honestly? I don’t want the consequences.”

That only made Shiro roll his eyes. He wasn’t going to throw up at the table. If he had to, he’d excuse himself and no one would have to know.

Still, it wasn’t a bad offer, and Shiro had to admit the lima bean-like side dish would probably be easier to stomach. Besides, there was no hiding from Ryou. He knew already, so there was nothing to gain in denying how his stomach was turning. “Yeah, alright,” he finally allowed.

“Cool.” Ryou switched their plates, then took a bite of the syrup-covered mash. “Mmm.”

Shiro snorted. “It’s not too sweet? I basically drowned it.”

Giving him a toothy smile, Ryou shrugged. “I can’t taste, remember?”

“You can’t? Why not?”

“Oh.” Ryou blinked. “Huh, thought I told you. Uh, not sure, actually. I think I do have taste buds, so I guess it’s neurological? Whoever made me probably wasn’t checking on that area of cognition during their tests. Really, they just shoved a light in my face and called it a day.”

Shiro’s chest tightened, and his fork fell onto his plate.

_ Claws over over, holding him down, lights in his eyes, testing him. Murmurs, never to him, so jargon heavy he couldn’t understand even with the translators. ‘Concussion’ was the only word he could catch regularly, repeated with dark undertones, as if it were a terrible inconvenience. _

_ “Fight better next time, Champion,” a voice - Her voice - commanded him. Claws dug into his cheek, forcing his gaze from the lights to her. “You are not allowed to be damaged. I have invested too much in you.” _

Sucking in a deep breath, Shiro blinked rapidly until the lights were gone, and the table was in focus again.

“Shiro?” Keith called, sitting up straighter. “You alright?”

Wincing, Shiro snapped his head up. “Fine. Just still tired.”

Ryou glanced between Shiro and the rest of the table, head tilted. Then he put on an easy smile. “He’s fine, I just startled him. No need to worry about it, my bad.”

Shiro’s reassurance had done nothing. But Ryou’s word noticeably eased the tension in Keith’s shoulders. After all, why would Ryou cover for Shiro? “What’d you say?” He eyed Ryou flatly, like he wasn’t sure if he should be suspicious or amused.

“I’ll get in trouble if I repeat it,” Ryou replied, jabbing his fork into his food.

“Yes, you will,” Shiro agreed, doing his best to sound stern and commanding.

Ryou rolled his eyes and mockingly mouthed the words back.

With a last glance at them, Keith nodded. He still didn’t look at ease, but Lance took that moment to finally walk in. “There you are,” Keith muttered. “You’re later than usual.”

Lance shot him a grin and sat down, already perfectly groomed and wide awake. “It takes time to look this good. Want me to break down my routine for you?”

“Please, don’t,” Pidge muttered. “Not again.”

“Maybe Keith will learn this time.”

While the bickering started, thankfully good natured, Ryou leaned in closer. “Bad one?”

Shiro eyed him. “Bad what?”

“I meant flashback, but I’m guessing last night is a factor.” Ryou took another bite, then nudged him. “Try to eat, will you? Otherwise I gave up my plate for nothing.”

Stabbing a few of the beans, Shiro popped them in his mouth and swallowed hard. “I don’t need to be looked after.”

Ryou’s brows rose. “I know. I want my good deed to be worth something, thanks so much. You want to talk about it?”

A withering glare was his own response.

“Fine, fine. Just offering.”

Stomach twisting in irritation, Shiro snorted. “It won’t be a surprise to you, after all. So sure, why not? No problem at all.  You won’t tell me anything about what you remember, but I should tell you everything.”

Ryou started, then his brows came together. “I only remember parts,” he pointed out, as if that was Shiro’s problem. “You might surprise me.”

Shaking his head, Shiro grabbed for his water and took a big gulp, trying to calm his stomach. He grunted rather than reply.

“I was just  _ asking,”  _ Ryou said, his frown deepening.

“Yeah, well, so am I.” Shiro met his eyes. “Time’s up from the party. I want you to tell me.”

Freezing, Ryou glanced at everyone else, then leaned forward. His voice dropped to an urgent hiss. “No way. I told you it’s a bad idea.”

“I should get to know,” Shiro replied. “I should know what happened to me. You know how it feels.”

Ryou set his teeth aggressively, gripping his fork hard. “I do. And I know how this feels, and you have it better. So shut up.”

“It’s not your place to keep it from me. I was the one that lived it, not you.”

“Not according to my dreams,” Ryou snapped. “Not according to my head. You’re not only asking me to relive it, but to make  _ you _ relive it. No way.”

“Jeez,” Lance said, loud and sudden. Ryou and Shiro both started and pulled apart. “What’s got you both so heated?”

Shiro glanced at Ryou, one brow up.  _ ‘Going to spill?’ _

Ryou snorted back.  _ ‘Hell no.’ _

There was that, at least.

“He’s making snide comments about my past back on Earth,” Shiro drawled, rolling his eyes. “As if it’s very shocking.”

Ryou snickered. “Oh, so you don’t mind me telling them about Teddy, then?”

Even knowing the crack was to sell the lie, Shiro tensed and turned to glare at him. “You don’t need to tell them about that.”

“Who’s Teddy?” Hunk asked, eyes bright. He leaned forward on the table, then finally noticed Chuchule darting out to steal from his plate. Scowling, he put his hand in front of the mouse, blocking them from their goal.

Shiro forced his face into a more neutral pose. “A friend from my teenage years. And that’s all you need to know.”

“Yeah, that’s going to stop us from asking,” Pidge said. “Well done. Keith, you know Teddy?”

“No,” Keith replied, head tilted. “I’m not sure I want to know.”

Lance raised his hand high above his head. “Oh, I do!”

“Not worth it, sorry,” Ryou replied, openly laughing.

Shiro knew he was a good liar, but he had to admit it was surreal seeing it from the outside. Even if Ryou wasn’t the same person, he was identical. Shiro had never seen that particular curl to his own lips before.

Maybe he’d never worn it.

Leaning forward, Lance cupped his hand to the side of his mouth, as if it would block the sound from Shiro. “You can tell me later, Ryou.”

“Deal,” Ryou replied, whispering as well. Then he yelped as Shiro elbowed him hard. With the metal arm. “Hey! I’m joking, c’mon.”

Allura offered Shiro a sparkling, winsome smile. “Now, Shiro, you know you have nothing to be ashamed of amongst friends. You can tell us anything.”

“No,” Shiro said, voice utterly flat.

“Leave him be,” Coran spoke up, putting down his pad. “Number one is welcome to his privacy, after all. No need to badger him.”

Shiro perked, honestly warmed by the defense. “Thank you, Coran.”

“What about me?” Ryou asked. “I’m not Number One, but I know the stories. Am I entitled to privacy?”

Considering him, the corner of Coran’s lips quirked up. “Mmm,” he hummed, leaning back and forth thoughtfully. “Debatable.”

“Rude,” Ryou replied, placing a dramatic hand on his chest.  “You’re so mean to me, Coran.”

It was still odd to see Ryou and Coran joking around. Until recently, Shiro had suspected Coran still didn’t really  _ like _ him, after losing Allura at the station. Either he didn’t hold Ryou accountable for that incident, or time together had eroded the feeling.

…Or Shiro was putting words in Coran’s mouth.

“So, completely ignoring all this,” Pidge spoke, her voice loud enough to speak over everyone. “What’s today’s training, anyway?”

Coran looked over. “Lion agility training. Maneuvering is still not our best skill as a group.”

Cheeks pinking, Allura nodded and looked down at her plate. Lance sighed and nodded as well, slumping back in his seat.

“Swapping lions definitely made for some readjustments,” Ryou agreed. “We found a meteor belt in this area that would be great for practice. It should keep you busy for the morning, at least. Try not to scratch the lions up too much.”

Keith looked over at Shiro again, head tilted. “Are you doing this one?” He asked. “It’s been awhile since you flew Black.”

Freezing, Shiro’s heart clenched.

He wanted to. He wanted to be back in that seat and feel Black under his hands, to sink into the bond like he hadn’t since the fight with Zarkon.

But instead he shook his head. “No. No offense to anyone, but everyone who switched lions are the one who need this particular practice most.”

“I need it least,” Hunk offered, managing a grin. But there was uncomfortable tension in the way he gripped his fork. “I’ll just go right through everything I can’t dodge.”

Coran snorted. “I don’t believe that’s the spirit of the exercise.”

But Keith didn’t even look away, his frown darkening. “Shiro.”

“Not today,” Shiro replied, closing his eyes. “Please, Keith.”

The naked plea cut off all conversations. Shiro winced under the weight of the silence.

“S’alright,” Ryou spoke, tone easy. “I had plans for Shiro anyway. If we’re not flying, is it okay for us to play hooky, Coran?”

Coran hummed, head tilted. “Hooky is the sport with the stick and the puck that Pidge likes, yes?”

“That’s hockey,” Pidge corrected. “Hooky is when you skip out of a lesson you’re supposed to go to.”

“Oh! Then, yes, I suppose you can, if you’d like. You don’t want to supervise?” Tilting his head, Coran considered them both.

Ryou shrugged. “Not today. Plans, like I said. And they don’t really need Shiro backseat driving for this one.”

“Yeah, because you never had problems with that,” Pidge pointed out, glancing pointedly at Keith.

“I had the Galra arm still, so it doesn’t count. I have an excuse for my behavior.”

Lance snorted. “Didn’t we prove Shiro did the same thing?”

Smiling back, Ryou tilted his head. “I don’t see your point.”

“Enough,” Shiro said. “If everyone is done with breakfast, you should get started. You’re already running late.”

Lance only grinned, utterly unrepentant.

They started to shuffle out, the usual chaos of floating trays and chattering paladins. Keith looked back at Shiro again, still frowning, but he was drawn out with the current of everyone else leaving.

Once they were alone, Shiro glanced over at Ryou. “Why are you helping me?”

“Because you hate having an audience when you’re struggling,” Ryou replied. “It just makes you feel worse. I’d be a real jerk if I didn’t do something about it.” Then he glanced at him, lips quirked up ironically. “And we’re brothers.”

Shiro snorted, because that was really the only appropriate response. “Fair enough. What was your plan?”

“Well,” Ryou said, drawing the word out. “I was thinking we’d go to the training room, since it’ll be empty now, and we punch each other until you feel better. That work for you?”

_ “Yes.” _

***

This was, Shiro mused, probably not the healthiest coping mechanism. He was dealing with being experimented on and forced to fight by trying to punch someone who had his face.  It was a bit too on the nose in terms of symbology.

But it was also  _ really satisfying. _

“Stay still for a bit,” Shiro called, punching at Ryou’s head. He ducked the blow, using his own prosthetic to knock Shiro’s natural arm away. The bite of metal against flesh hurt, but satisfyingly. It was minor, and it was grounding.

Ryou kicked at Shiro’s stomach. He twisted out of the way and struck at Ryou’s side, but was blocked again.

“Hypocrite,” Ryou called, voice tight as he kicked at Shiro’s ankles. He jumped, and the blow sailed uselessly under his boots. “You first.”

Shiro snorted. “Fine.” This time, when Ryou tried to knee his stomach, Shiro took the blow. He wrapped his legs around Ryou’s thigh and held tight.

Pinned, Ryou tried to yank away, but the move unbalanced him. Pulling back, Shiro twisted the captured leg to the side. Ryou rolled with it, spinning in the air, and managed to get his other foot under him instead of falling

“Thanks.” Ryou wrapped his left arm around Shiro’s neck, then threw his weight to the side. Then both lost their footing and crashed to the floor.

Shiro rolled, but Ryou had been prepared for the impact. He recovered faster and used his grip to keep Shiro from pulling away. Then he straddled him, arm pulled back for a blow.

So instead Shiro head butted him.

“Agh!” Ryou grabbed hold of his nose in both hands and fell sideways. He scrambled back and away, pushing with only his legs. “Ow, Shiro! Did you have to do that?”

Sitting up, Shiro rolled his sore shoulders. “We didn’t set rules, and you weren’t prepared.”

“I didn’t expect you to break my nose in a spar!”

Shiro frowned and knee-walked his way closer. “Did I actually break it?” Whoops.

But when he reached out to check, Ryou suddenly grabbed his arm and twisted it. He pinned Shiro’s arm behind his back and shoved him face down into the mat. “Now who’s not prepared?”

“Hey!” Shiro bucked and kicked, but his blows were glancing at best, so Ryou didn’t budge. “Cheating!”

Ryou only laughed. “You pulled a jerk move first. Suffer the consequences.”

Finally giving up, Shiro went limp. “Agh. Fine. I still won the real fight, though.”

“It’s practice,” Ryou intoned, an open mockery of Shiro’s command tone. “There’s no winning in a training spar, only doing your best.”

Eugh. “This isn’t practice, this is kicking your ass.”

“You just can’t take it, Commander-wannabe.”

Shiro slumped against the mat, sighing. “I’m not anymore.  Commander.”

There was a pause, then Ryou’s weight pulled away. “Sorry. I didn’t mean-”

“I know.” Shiro sat up and rubbed his cheek where he’d hit the ground. “Your nose alright?”

Ryou touched the bridge of his nose, barely pressing with the tips of his fingers. “Eh, probably fine. But if I have black eyes tomorrow, I’m telling everyone you abused me.”

Snorting, Shiro rolled his eyes. “Sure, you do that.” He flopped onto his back and stretched, feeling his muscles strain then give. This was the kind of sore he liked. It was a satisfying thrum from having pushed harder than he usually allowed himself. No one needed to see the kind of vicious, underhanded fighting that Shiro used in a real match.

But Ryou already knew.

“You didn’t have to do this.”

Ryou glanced over, brows up. “Fight you? I mean, someone needs to occasionally hand you your ass. You’ll get a big head.”

Shaking his head, Shiro sat up properly. “Be helpful. Let me go all out. Cover for me. I know what you said before, but… thanks. That’s all.”

“Yeah, well,” Ryou curled his legs under him. “I might as well do something productive. The alternative was to watch everyone else train.”

Shiro winced and looked away. One of these days, he was going to have to tell everyone about the lion options. They deserved to know.

But the team was so  _ fragile _ right now. Keith wasn’t sure his place anymore, teetering on the edge of something great he wasn’t sure he wanted at all. Lance had stepped up, and he’d sacrificed his pride and personal desires to be a great second in command. Allura had bonded with her lion so fast, but he knew if he asked, she’d step down at once, no matter her feelings on the matter.

They deserved the chance at stability. They’d had that in the original line-up. There hadn’t been questions of who belonged where, so they’d had time to get comfortable and confident in their roles.

Shiro couldn’t take that from them. If that meant learning to bite his tongue and watching them succeed without him, that was such a small price to pay.

If that meant not telling Ryou he had a lion he could communicate with-

Well, Shiro knew Ryou would agree.

Not telling him was doing everyone a disservice. It wouldn’t ruin the team to know Ryou could have a place. It wouldn’t cause Ryou to suddenly decide he had to be in a lion, current needs of the group be damned.

But then he’d be putting Ryou in the same awful, wistful situation that Shiro was in.

Let Ryou feel he had a stable place on a team. He was already working with Coran, growing in confidence in how to work the Castle of Lions. He’d learned his lessons strongly, no longer offering more than quick suggestions rather than trying to command from a far.

Ryou had learned his new place better than Shiro, because Shiro wanted to believe he could have his spot back someday. He couldn’t let go.

Now if only his nightmares would stop getting worse.

“You okay?” Ryou asked, leaning over. “You know, you can train with the Black Lion once in awhile, if it bugs you this much.”

“No, I can’t. I told you why.” Shiro waved him off. “I won’t make adapting harder. It’s not fair to them.”

Ryou eyed him. “What about what’s fair to you?”

Snorting, Shiro looked away. “Yeah, because the universe has been fair to either of us.”

This time, Ryou pulled back. “Fine. Be stubborn. It’s your life. We can talk about your flashback earlier instead.”

“That won’t be necessary.” Shiro stood up, brushing himself off. “Can we go back to punching? I think that was more effective at calming me down.”

Ryou eyed him, then stood as well. “How about we make a bet, then?”

Despite himself, Shiro looked over. “What kind of bet?”

“We fight again. No rules. I win, you tell me what you remembered. You win, I’ll tell you one thing you don’t remember from after getting the arm.”

Shiro’s heart rate skyrocketed. “You will?”

Ryou shot him a flat look, rolling his shoulders. “Not everything. Not all at once. But one thing.” He slipped into a fighting stance, all the humor fading from his face.

He had no intentions of losing.

Well, neither did Shiro.

“Deal.” Shiro shifted his weight, arms coming up.

Then he charged.

At the same moment, so did Ryou.

They met in the middle, a clash of prosthetic blows not unlike Shiro’s fight with Sendak. Neither activated their arms, but there was still a loud clang and the grind of metal on metal.

Shiro tried to grab hold of Ryou’s shirt or hair, but he jolted forward, smashing their chests together. Ryou continued to charge, bulldozing forward and trying to push Shiro off balance.

Instead, Shiro gripped Ryou’s shoulders. He jumped and swung, scrambling to climb onto Ryou’s back.

As Shiro pulled back to strike, Ryou shoved back and off his feet. Then both crashed to the ground, Ryou’s weight landing fully on top of Shiro’s stomach.

Grunting with pain, Shiro completed the blow he’d started, catching Ryou on the side of the head. He rolled off and away, so Shiro planted his feet on Ryou’s back and shoved him hard.

While Ryou regained his balance, Shiro got to his feet. He stamped down, trying to get Ryou in the back. But Ryou rolled out of the way, ending up crouched on the tips of his toes. Launching himself forward, Ryou spear tackled Shiro in the side, sending them both back down.

This time, Shiro was prepared for impact. He went loose, so he landed without much pain. Then he brought his leg up and elbowed Ryou hard in the stomach.

Grunting with the blow, Ryou pulled his lips back in a snarl. He rolled them, shoving Shiro down to the ground. Then he lashed forward, punching Shiro in the jaw.

Stars erupted behind Shiro’s eyes. He reached out blindly, fingers curled into claws and scraping wildly. Something caught under his nails and he scraped down hard as he could.

Ryou hissed and pulled back. A bloody scrape tore down one cheek, lazily dripping blood. But he didn’t try to get away. Instead his eyes flashed, wild and bright.  He brought his forearm down on Shiro’s throat, tight enough to cut off his air.

Panic overtook Shiro. He bucked wildly, kicking out and shoving off the mat. One fierce buck was enough to finally dislodge Ryou from his neck. Once free, he punched hard.  The blow caught Ryou in the shoulder and finally knocked him off.

Shiro followed, rolling so he was on top of Ryou. Without thinking, he wrapped a hand around Ryou’s throat and squeezed.

At first, Ryou twisted, trying to push Shiro off him. But Shiro didn’t let go. His heart was pounding, and it didn’t really register who was under him. Just an opponent. Someone he needed to beat at all costs.

“Shiro!” Ryou managed, voice thick and cracked. “I give!” His fingers scratched at Shiro’s shoulders and sides, and his eyes glazed over. “Stop, enough, I need-”

Ryou’s expression clouded completely, his prosthetic flickered on.

Jolting away, Shiro pushed off so powerfully he ended up several feet away. He stared at Ryou, vicious focus slowly replaced by panic. “I- Ryou, I’m so sorry.”

At first, Ryou didn’t answer. He didn’t even look like he’d heard the apology. His arm stayed lit, and he kept it held in front of him. It was a physical barrier, between Ryou and the threat.

This had been a stupid idea on both their parts.

“Ryou,” Shiro murmured. “Hey. It’s done. Fight’s over.”

Slowly, comprehension returned to Ryou’s eyes. He sighed and slumped. “Okay. Yeah. I’m here.” He reached up to touch his cheek, then winced when his hand came away bloody. “Ow.”

“Sorry,” Shiro said. “I- I lost track.”

Closing his eyes, Ryou nodded. “Me too. I started it, I think. And I started this whole stupid fight.” He barked out a laugh. “You win this time.”

There was no satisfaction in the victory. Sighing, Shiro shuffled his way over, then held his hand out. “Can I see your face?”

“It’s just a scratch,” Ryou said. But he looked up, letting Shiro look over it from himself. “Should have expected you to claw me.”

“You’re the one who wanted to fight on the mat instead of on our feet, like civilized idiots.” Shiro patted Ryou’s shoulder. “You’re right. It’s not deep. I just got off the skin, basically. How are you feeling otherwise?”

Ryou snorted loudly. “As well as you are.”

Fair catch.

Dropping his hand into his lap, Shiro sighed. “It wasn’t really my win. Call it a draw?”

“That’s generous,” Ryou pointed out. He watched Shiro warily. “Does that mean neither of us talk, or both of us do?”

“Neither of us want to.”

Ryou gave him a sad small smile. “No. But we both should. We won’t to the others, because they don’t deserve to deal with what we’ve seen. But you can’t surprise me. If I can do something useful on this damn ship, I might as well.”

Looking over his face, Shiro frowned. “You’re helpful. With the tech work you do, and helping Coran. It’s way too much for him alone. And you help run training.”

“You think-” Ryou closed his eyes and shook his head. “Would you be content with that?”

No.

Reaching out, Shiro squeezed Ryou’s shoulder. “We’re different.”

The admission drew a shaky smile from Ryou. “Fair enough.” He pushed his bangs out of his face. “Still your call. Both or none?”

None. Never. Shiro didn’t want to talk about this, didn’t want to admit his nightmare, didn’t want to think about it.

But he wanted to know what Ryou did. He wanted his memories back.

And Ryou was right. Keeping it bottled wasn’t helping. There had to be a better method, and a clone might be the best way he had.

Which was so damn messed up.

“Both,” Shiro said, taking a deep breath. “But you lost, so you first.”

Ryou barked out a single, dark. “Oh, now I lost. Fine.” Ryou groaned and stood up. He stepped across the mat to the cooling chamber and pulled out two water packets. One he tossed to Shiro, and the other he opened for himself. “Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. You remember why they took the arm?”

“No,” Shiro breathed. He scooted back, pressing his back to the wall, then patted the spot next to him. “What happened?”

Ryou settled down, gripping the water tight in his hands. It started to drip from the straw, but he didn’t seem to notice. “A fight. The usual. Someone nasty, with a long tail like a mouse. They could whip it around, and they had a weapon on it. This blade, sharp enough to cut off parts of opponents.”

Automatically, Shiro gripped his right arm tight. “So they…?”

Shaking his head, Ryou glanced at him. “No. But I- you. We.”

“Just say I.”

Ryou nodded. “I was terrified of getting close. Which, you know, problem. That’s kind of our thing. So I was basically obsessed with the tail the whole fight. Barely payed attention to the rest of the scaly jerk. Which pissed them off, cause they kept insulting me, and I wasn’t paying attention at all.”

Unable to help it, Shiro’s lips curled in a dark grin. “Not really much for trash talk anyway.”

“Right? You don’t need words if you’ve got skills. Anyway. I finally managed to cut the stupid thing off with that blade they liked giving me. But I was so focused on that, and I basically forgot they still had fists. And strength. Like, Allura strength.”

Wincing, Shiro curled in tighter on himself. “Ow.”

Ryou nodded. “Exactly. Got me in the back, then grabbed me by the arm and threw me clean across the field. And I landed on my arm.” He held up the Altean prosthetic, working the fingers. “Compound fracture.”

“Probably not our first,” Shiro murmured.

“Yeah, probably not. Still managed to get the blade back and get them in the chest. Didn’t kill them. They probably bled out.” Ryou’s eyes settled on his feet. “Guess it still counts as killing them if they died from their wounds, though, huh?”

It did, in Shiro’s book. In Ryou’s too. So Shiro didn’t say anything. Instead, he leaned in, pressing their sides together. “The lizard did more to the arm after?”

Ryou shook his head, gaze still locked on his arm. “No. Just the fracture. That was enough. It was bad enough they brought me to medical. They started to work on setting it, but then Haggar came in. Decided she wanted me as is, for a new test. The healers gave me over without hesitation. Then she took me, and I woke up just in time for them to stick it on.”

“I don’t remember that either,” Shiro murmured.

“Not much to remember. It just hurt.”

Shiro closed his eyes. He wracked his brain, trying to remember the fight Ryou mentioned, or Haggar’s decision, or having the arm attached.

Nothing. There was a hint of familiarity, like a story he’d read as a young child and forgotten most of it. But nothing concrete. No flashback, no memory.

“Thank you,” Shiro said, still pressed hard to Ryou’s side. “For telling me.”

Ryou shrugged his other shoulder. “It’s your memories. I just had them downloaded into my head.” Despite his casual words, his gaze was very tired.

It occurred to Shiro that Ryou probably wasn’t sleeping any better than him.

“Your turn.”

For a moment, Shiro was tempted to go back on his word. There was technically no making him share, and the words stuck heavily in his throat, like jagged stones.

But Ryou had done enough for him today. He didn’t deserve Shiro screwing him over.

“Last night, I dreamed about getting a concussion in a fight. And Haggar was there, holding me down and telling me to take better care of myself, because she didn’t want her time wasted.”

Ryou’s breath caught, then he let it out slowly. “Yeah. I remember that one. She liked reminding us of that.”

Wincing, Shiro nodded. “Sounds like her,” he murmured, voice tight and strained.

Thankfully, Ryou didn’t push Shiro to say more. Instead, he pulled his arm up, then put it around Shiro’s shoulders. “This too weird?”

“No,” Shiro said, eyes closed. “This is fine.”

“Good.”

They leaned against each other for a long time, listening to the faint, echoed hum of the castle’s engine.

“I don’t feel better,” Shiro admitted. “I feel bruised.”

Ryou let out a single bark of laughter. “Me too. Don’t let me have any more bright ideas.” He glanced sideways. “I don’t mind helping you out sometimes, though. That part was pretty good.”

“Keith’s going to hate you for it.”

Snorting, Ryou shook his head. “Keith hates me already. No big deal.”

Shiro frowned. “No, he doesn’t.”

There was no response, but the silence was all the answer Ryou needed to give.

“He doesn’t,” Shiro insisted. “He’s just getting used to you. You’re basically a stranger to him, and you know how he is. It takes him time.”

Ryou closed his eyes. “Yeah. I know. It’s just hard, when I look at him and see my best friend, and he looks at me and sees someone who hurts him.”

Chest clenching, Shiro nodded. “He doesn’t see you that way anymore. And he’s sorry for the way he treated you.”

“He shouldn’t be. I hurt him where he lives. I don’t expect him to forgive me.” Ryou continued to stare at his boots, slumped like he was utterly exhausted.

Shiro thought about this morning, when he’d been surprised Coran didn’t hate someone who looked like him.

Maybe they both needed to work on that.

“Try talking to him,” Shiro said. “I can even be there when you do it. Hell, invite him to a Star Trek night. He doesn’t mind it.”

Ryou’s eyes darted over and he nodded. “I’ll try. Thanks.”

“I owe you one for helping me this morning and getting you in trouble.”

Smiling, Ryou nodded. “You kinda did. Fair enough. I liked helping anyway. It felt less like being your clone and more like someone to help you.”

Shiro glanced at him. “Like a brother?”

“Not yet,” Ryou said. “But closer than before.”

Nodding, Shiro didn’t reply. He just leaned harder against Ryou’s side.

Sitting here, Ryou’s arm around his shoulder, both bruised in body and heart, there was a feeling.

Shiro didn’t know what a brother was supposed to feel like. But this was pretty good.


	4. Chapter 4

“Have you seen Shiro?”

Ryou paused his tinkering, looking up at Keith in the doorway of the lab. Suddenly aware he’d been closing one eye and letting his tongue peek out, Ryou reset his expression to neutral. Whoops. Detail work did that to him. “Not that I noticed.”

Looking him over, the corner of Keith’s lips pulled up. “You seem pretty focused, yeah. I haven’t seen that look on your face in-” He paused. “Never, I guess.”

Ryou winced. “Been a long time since I had to focus on something that small,” he replied. “Lots of little screws in this thing.  Shiro hasn’t had reason to either. No emergency engine repair lessons anymore.”

“Yeah.”

The silence hung, heavy and awkward. Ryou held his screwdriver tightly, resisting the urge to twist and fidget. There was no need to. This was Keith. Ryou shouldn’t have been so uncomfortable.

Except that he wasn’t Shiro, and Keith had never been comfortable around Ryou. Not since they knew.

Finally, Keith nodded. “Right. Well. If you see him, will you tell him I was asking for him?”

“Sure,” Ryou replied. He watched Keith turn to walk about of the lab. “Actually, wait.”

Keith turned, brows raised expectantly.

Shifting in his chair, Ryou hesitated, then took a deep breath. “Is it something I can help with?”

“It’s about team stuff,” Keith said, shoulders tight. “So- well.”

Ryou’s brows rose. “I didn’t suddenly forget how to lead you all, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

Nodding, Keith considered. Then he sighed and sat down across from Ryou’s work desk. “Yeah, you didn’t. Sorry. It’s just weird.”

“That it is,” Ryou agreed. He pushed aside the tracking-device-to-be and leaned against the table. “I’m happy to help, but if you really want Shiro, don’t feel obligated.”

Keith shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s not really a problem. It’s just… it’s venting, I guess. I probably shouldn’t be bothering him with it anyway.”

Head tilted, Ryou considered him. “Why not? It’s not like he won’t empathize.”

“Yeah, he will. I know. But it’s kind of rubbing it in, isn’t it? Since he keeps waving me off when it comes to Black.” Keith’s lips pulled down into a scowl, and he stared at the table.

Ah. Ryou took a deep breath. “That’s his choice, and it doesn’t mean he can’t help you out. Even if it’s just to complain about how you’re herding lions.”

“I guess.” Keith looked at him, suddenly considering. “It’s probably no better talking to you, huh?”

Ryou let out a dry laugh. “Well, it’s not, because neither of us minds helping you. Seriously, Keith, it’s not a problem. But if you’re worried about why Shiro is stepping back, then yeah, I might be better.”

“Not really,” Keith replied quietly. “Might be worse, right? Shiro has a choice. You don’t.”

Flipping the screwdriver over in his hands, Ryou snorted. “Moot point. Keith, it’s fine. This is all a theoretical discussion.”

Keith shrugged. “I guess. It’s not even a big deal.”

“I’m still willing to listen.” Ryou looked over his face, expression softening. “You know that, right? I’m not Shiro, and I know you’re not as easy around me, but I’m here for you.”

Looking down at the table, Keith gave a tiny nod. “Sure. Thanks.”

Ryou sighed and looked away as well. He ran a hand through his hair and tried not to feel upset. He didn’t have business being hurt, not with this. It was Keith’s choice who he felt comfortable with.

“Look, I know-” Keith sighed, long and slow. “I do know you care about us. We all do. And I’m not still mad. I just don’t know what to do with you.”

“Join the club,” Ryou said, desert dry. “You and everyone else. I get it. I do. Being here is enough. I’m not trying to… I don’t know, force you into feelings you don’t have. That’s your relationship with Shiro, not me.”

Keith nodded, but he didn’t look happy about it.

That was fine, ‘cause neither was Ryou.

“What was it you wanted to talk about?” Ryou finally asked.

Starting, like he’d totally forgotten, Keith winced. “You sure you want to hear it?”

“Nah, I’m asking for my health. If I don’t stick my nose in two people’s business per day, I start to wither away.”

Keith eyed him blandly. “You’ve been spending too much time around Matt.”

It was a fair catch, so Ryou just smiled.

“Alright. I was just going to ask how…” Keith trailed off, considering his words. “How Shiro got everyone to listen to him.”

Ryou let out a bark of laughter. “Oh, yeah, sure. You all listened to Shiro so well. No one ever wandered off or jumped into the fray or complained.”

Rolling his eyes, Keith snorted. “Fine. But they didn’t disobey him.”

“Have they been disobeying you?”

“Not yet,” Keith allowed. “But it’s been close, a couple of times. And they argue.”

Ryou raised a single brow.

“Louder than they did for Shiro.”

Shrugging, Ryou started to twisted the screwdriver again. “Things have been getting better though, right? I know they’ve disagreed with your plans before, and sometimes you agree with them. But it seems like there’s been less of that.”

Keith’s lips thinned. “Maybe. Doesn’t feel like it.”

Well, it wouldn’t. It sucked to be on the end of those sharp words. Ryou suspected this had a lot more to do with Keith perceiving the criticism more when it was aimed at him, and because of how shaky the team had been originally.

But telling him ‘it’s in your head, wait a while’ wasn’t helpful. Worse, it wouldn’t encourage Keith to confide in him again.

So instead, Ryou leaned forward, resting his jaw on his palm. “Wanna know the secret?”

Keith perked, eyes wide. “There’s a trick to it?”

“Mhmm.” Ryou waited a moment, letting the tension build. “Fake it till you make it.”

Freezing, Keith stared at him. “What?”

“The reason they didn’t complain as much is because they thought Shiro knew best.” Ryou shrugged, a lip pulling up on his lips. “All of them, even Allura and Coran, think he’s got all this experience under his belt.”

Keith shook his head slowly. “Kerberos was his first long term mission.”

“It was.”

“He didn’t even command it. Commander Holt did.”

“Yup.”

Leaning back, Keith stared at him. “Then why do they think that?”

Ryou grinned wider. “They assume. Because Shiro fakes it really well. He knows if they feel like someone sees the big picture and knows what they’re doing, they listen better.”

“But-” Keith groaned. “But they know I’ve never done this before. They’ve seen it all. I can’t hide that from them.”

Shrugging, Ryou sat up straighter. “Yeah. But you’re getting experience every time you go out there. You have a better feel for the situation, and when there’s a similar situation, you know what to do. You know, practice.”

Keith met Ryou’s eyes, suddenly intense. “Is that why Shiro keeps backing down?”

There it was.

Ryou didn’t speak, just inclined his head. There was more to it than that, he knew. Shiro’s behavior was too twitchy. But until Ryou knew what was happening, he’d keep that to himself.

“Oh.” Keith considered. “You really think it’s been winding down.”

Ryou ran a finger over his chest. “Cross my heart.”

Shaking his head in amusement, Keith snorted. “You know, it’s weird. The ways you’re different. You act more like Shiro did at the Garrison, even if you don’t remember it.”

Huh. Ryou paused, considering. “I guess I do. And, for the record, I remember a lot of the Garrison.”

Keith shot him a blank look. “You didn’t remember your mom’s name. I don’t think I’d be the exception.”

Bristling, Ryou scowled. “I didn’t remember her name because Shiro normally thinks of her as  _ mother, _ not by her first name. I remember what Shiro’s thought about since getting the arm, and a lot of that was you. Maybe I don’t have a perfect memory of every lunch you two had, but I bet he doesn’t either.”

“Oh.” Keith leaned back, eyes wide as Ryou snapped. “Sorry. I didn’t mean- I guess that makes sense.”

Ryou took a deep breath. “No, I’m sorry. They’re not my memories anyway, right? Doesn’t really matter what I do and don’t remember.”

“It does,” Keith said, voice softening.

Giving him a bland look, Ryou shrugged. “Why would it? What I remember isn’t important. It’s how I’ve acted.”

“Are you still-?” Keith groaned. “I’m not mad at you anymore. I told you that. I told  _ Shiro _ that, when he got back.”

Ryou shook his head. “I’m not judging you for it, Keith.”

Scowling darkly, Keith grabbed one of the papers off Ryou’s desk. He crumpled it up and threw it right at Ryou’s head.

“Hey!” He flinched back as it bounced harmlessly off the top of his head. “I need those.”

“You need to listen to me,” Keith shot back. “I’m not mad at you anymore. I’m  _ embarrassed, _ alright? I was a jerk to you.”

Ryou stared, mouth falling open. “No, you weren’t. None of you were. Of course you were upset.”

But Keith raised his chin, undeterred. “It was okay of me to put conditions on you living in the castle? To tell you that you couldn’t have a break until Shiro was found, as if it was your fault he was gone? It was okay for me to act like you were a prisoner?”

“Yeah?” Ryou drew the word out carefully, brows furrowed. “You’d just found out I was a clone infiltrating your team and pretending to be your best friend. That’s a pretty reasonable reaction.”

“You’d just found that out too.” Keith pointed out.

Ryou shrugged. “Doesn’t matter.”

“It does,” Keith insisted. “You never lied to me or tried to manipulate anyone. We wouldn’t have blamed Shiro if his arm was making him act the same way, or if someone was sick and brought a virus on board.”

“I’m not Shiro,” Ryou replied. “I’m not one of your team.”

Picking the ball of paper off Ryou’s desk, Keith threw it again. “Yes, you are, you stubborn jerk.”

This time, Ryou stayed still, letting it hit his jaw. “Why?”

“Because you love us,” Keith replied. “I have no doubt about that. You care about us just like Shiro does. You remember leading us, and helping us when we were down, and going to the Blade with me, and Pidge’s family.”

Swallowing hard, Ryou looked down at my desk. “I didn’t do any of that.”

“But you feel like you did.”

Ryou flinched hard. “Yeah,” he admitted. “I do.”

Leaning back, Keith held out his arms. “So, I don’t really know what to do with you. You’re not Shiro, and I can’t treat you that way. And I was cruel to you before. But that doesn’t mean you’re not part of the team.”

But it did. Because Ryou had been rejected as a paladin.

Even if Keith accepted him, even if all of them did, the Black Lion didn’t.  There had to be a reason.

Still, something loosened in Ryou’s chest. He reached up and rubbed the heel of his hand against the bridge of his nose, as if he had an itch. It definitely wasn’t to subtly rub his burning eyes. “Thanks. I appreciate that.”

“I didn’t know it needed to be said,” Keith replied. “I thought you knew.”

Ryou shrugged, giving a thick, shaky laugh. “I guess not. Speaking of things that need to be said, you know you’re doing a great job, right?”

Red stained over Keith’s cheeks. He looked away, shrugging. “Not as well as Shiro did.”

“You’re dealing with a harder enemy. Shiro was leading against Sendak and Zarkon. For all they’re powerful, they’re not like Lotor.” Ryou looked him over. “And it’s not a one to one comparison. Shiro didn’t ask you to be who he pretends to be. He wanted you to be  _ you _ as a leader.”

Keith’s eyes flicked back over to Ryou. “What if I’m not a leader after all?”

“I think the evidence speaks against that,” Ryou replied.

“You’re biased.”

Snorting, Ryou shrugged. “Yeah, I am. You were always going to be great. I remember that much.”

Keith winced and took a deep breath. “What if that’s not the answer I want to hear?” He admitted. “I know Shiro wants me to do this. I’m trying to make him proud. But I can’t- what if it’s not what I want?”

Breath catching, Ryou swallowed hard. “Oh.” He leaned back again, crossing his arms on the table. “Well. I think you should talk to Shiro about that. Have you?”

Keith shook his head. “No. I can’t I tell him. He’s sacrificing what he loves for something I don’t even want? I can’t let him down like that.”

“Well, he’s the one putting expectations on you.” Ryou shrugged. “If you really don’t want this, you shouldn’t make yourself just because it’s what Shiro wants. That’s not fair to either of you. Shiro will understand.” He tiled his head. “But do you not like it because it’s not for you, or because you feel guilty?”

Wincing, Keith shrugged. “How do I tell the difference?”

Good question.  Ryou shrugged one shoulder.  “That’s something you have to figure out for yourself.  Sorry.”

“I guess…” Keith sighed. “I think part of it is guilt. And part of it is that this job is harder for me. I’m just charging in one direction and hoping things work out. Shiro’s better at directing people and dealing with them.”

Ryou’s lips quirked up. “You know Shiro always felt that way too, right?”

“He did?”

Laughing, Ryou nodded. “Yeah. Most of his plans were ‘okay, everyone pick a job, and I’ll do whatever’s left.’ You ever notice that?”

Keith shook his head. “No. But I might have to steal that strategy. It sounds way earlier.”

“You’re welcome to it.” Ryou put down the screwdriver and gave Keith a serious look. “You don’t have to know for sure. This is definitely out of your comfort zone, and it’s a strange position for all of us. Six pilots and five lions is bad math no matter how you split it.”

“That’s what Lance said. I told him to leave the math to Pidge.”

Ryou’s brows rose. He’d have to talk to Lance about that. Maybe next time he helped him touch up the hair bleach. “It’s an adjustment, either way. But you should tell Shiro this. If nothing else, he’ll know not to push. But you are doing well, Keith. I promise you that.”

Nodding, Keith sighed. “I guess. I hate to make him feel guilty. You know how he is.” He eyed Ryou pointedly, one brow up.

Ouch. Direct hit.

“He can take it. He’s a big boy.”

“Alright.” Keith stood up. “Thanks, Ryou. This was- it was more helpful than I thought.”

Ryou offered a smile. “Thanks so much for the vote of confidence. And, really, it’s your own fault. You should known better than to name strays, we stick around.”

Rolling his eyes, Keith snorted. “You- Shiro was the one who kept trying to name the coyotes.”

“They were good dogs,” Ryou replied, downright prim. “They deserved names.”

“They’re  _ wild animals, _ and he couldn’t even tell them apart.”

“Doesn’t make them not good dogs.”

Keith groaned. “You’re both ridiculous. Alright, fine, think what you want. I still need to track Shiro down.”

Grinning, Ryou leaned back in his chair. “He might be with Matt, actually.”

“Oh.” Keith paused. “I hadn’t thought about that. Right. Thanks.” He gave Ryou a small, soft smile. “See? You keep track of everyone. Part of the team.”

Stomach twisting, Ryou gave a distant nod. “Fine, fine. You’ve made your point. Can I finish my project now?”

Keith snorted, but his smile stayed. With a last wave, he trotted out, heading to the next workshop over.

Rather than pick up his tracker, Ryou stared at the ceiling.

Part of the team, but not a paladin.

***

The Black Lion loomed in the confines of their hangar.

Ryou stepped closer, chest tight with a hope he wished would finally die. But as always, he couldn’t stop himself from thinking  _ maybe this time. _

But like each attempt before, the lion’s eyes stayed dim, and there wasn’t a single twitch.

Stomach crashing to his feet, Ryou sighed. “I don’t know what I expected.”

There was no answer from Black.

In all this time, Ryou had only gotten a flicker of a connection. It had happened once, and only for a minute or so, while they tried and tried to contact Shiro. Just long enough to get a sense that Shiro was out there, and that Ryou wasn’t her paladin.  _ Not-mine. _

Nothing since.

Ryou hadn’t stepped for in the hangar since then. Until now.

“I’m guessing begging won’t help,” he sighed. “Didn’t for Lance with Blue, according to him. ‘Course, that’s different. He could still fly Blue, couldn’t he? You just forced them to switch. He and Keith can fly two.”

It was hard not to be bitter about that, when Ryou couldn’t fly any of them.

Ryou looked up at the lion’s face, aimed at the wall instead of him, and sighed. “I wish I understood what changed. I’m better now. The arm is gone, so hopefully I won’t hurt anyone. But I guess that wasn’t it.”

No movement.

“It might be something I don’t remember. Something in Shiro’s past that made him work for you. Something fundamental that I don’t have.”

No movement.

“Or is it what I do remember? Do you only work for Shiro because he doesn’t remember what we did? I know what a monster looks like. I tried to keep Shiro from seeing it too. Am I screwing him over, when I tell him?”

No movement.

“Hell, maybe it’s what I am. Maybe you just don’t like something constructed by Haggar. That’s fair. I don’t like it either. Can’t blame you for that one.”

No movement.

Ryou closed his eyes and took a step backward, then another. “Maybe it’s all of it. Who can say? I’m sorry for whatever it is.”

No movement.

Reaching up, Ryou rubbed his natural forearm over his eyes, scrubbing away the growing heat. “I just wish I knew. I wish I understood how I lost your trust.”

No movement.

“I’m sorry I’m not him.  Goodbye, Black.”

Ryou took a deep breath and turned, head held high as he could manage. He didn’t look back as the door shut behind him.

Then, he sat down on the floor, back to the metal wall, and breathed.

***

When the door to Ryou’s workshop opened this time, he didn’t even look up. He knew who it was, anyway. The paladins were on a mission, and Coran would be flying the castle.

Stepping over, Shiro pulled out the chair and sat down, sighing. He waited, but Ryou never spoke, or even looked up. Instead he continued to put the tracker together, brow furrowed and shoulders tight.

Finally, Shiro cleared his throat. “Keith said you two talked.”

“Yup.”

Silence again.

“He seemed to think it went well.”

Ryou sighed and finally glanced up. He shrugged one shoulder. “It did. We had a very nice heart-to-heart.” With that, he went back to working.

Shiro let him work, watching him carefully attach the wires. “You know, you say that, but you’re not really acting like it.”

“My mood doesn’t have anything to do with Keith. Or, if it does, it’s cause he reminded me of something. It was a good talk.”

Leaning forward, Shiro braced against the table. “You weren’t on the bridge for the mission. I thought you might have lost track of time.”

“I didn’t.”

This time, Shiro only let the silence last a few seconds. “Oh, c’mon, Ryou, I’m trying, here.”

Ryou slammed the soldering tool down on the table. “There’s nothing for you to fix. I didn’t want to be on the bridge, alright?”

“Why not?”

Pulling his lips back, Ryou glared at him. “Why should I? What do I really add to the equation? Any suggestions I would make, you would think of too. I can fire some damn lasers, but Coran can do that just fine on his own. Even better with Matt. If something goes wrong, all I can do is sit around and watch. So what’s the point?”

Shiro stared at him, eyes wide. “The point is keeping an eye on them, and being ready if they need you. And lightening the load on Coran.”

Wincing, Ryou inclined his head. “Yeah, that last one is worth it.” Coran and Matt could do everything, but they shouldn’t have to. It had been why Ryou agreed to help in the first place.

But today he just-

Today he didn’t want to watch everyone else fly.

“You’re the one who thinks we should talk more,” Shiro said, voice gentling. “If it’s ugly, I’m not going to judge you.”

Ryou shook his head. “This one you won’t understand.”

Swallowing hard, Shiro considered him. “Did you have a flashback?”

“No. I-” Ryou slumped in his seat, eyes on his lap. “It wasn’t anything we didn’t already know. Keith just- he said I was part of the team. But I’m not. Not in the way that matters.”

Shiro opened his mouth, then stopped and closed his eyes. “Because of the lions?”

“Yeah.”

Curling in on himself, Shiro looked away too. “Oh.”

Yeah. Oh.

Ryou dug his fingers into the metal of his work table. “So I’m not really in the mood. You were right, you know. To keep me on the castle.”

“I-” Shiro winced, and when he picked his head up, his face had gone pale. “Ryou, it’s not-” He shut his mouth hard, jaw working. “Coran and Matt can’t fly either.”

“Maybe not. But they didn’t get rejected. Whatever is different between me and you, it means-” Ryou closed his eyes hard. “Black doesn’t trust me for a reason. I don’t know what it is, but we shouldn’t risk it. So you were right. Sorry for getting on your case.”

Shiro shook his head, eyes wide. “No. No, I haven’t been. I’ve been an ass about it. There’s no reason for you not to go planet-side more. You can have diplomatic talks with locals just like I can. You can help get supplies or be part of fights on the ground. Just because it’s an adjustment doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.”

Shoving himself up to his feet, Ryou glared at him. “Aren’t you listening to me? We don’t know what’s wrong we me. We don’t know why the Black Lion rejected me, so-”

“I do.”

Ryou froze utterly. “You what?”

Wincing, Shiro seemed to shrink in on himself. “I know. Black told me.”

The words didn’t make sense. Ryou shook his head, not sure how he was misunderstanding. “You- then…”

“You seemed to be adjusting,” Shiro explained, voice quiet. “You were making your own path. You were being different. It didn’t seem to matter.”

Didn’t seem to-

“Of course it matters!” Ryou smacked both hands on the desk, making Shiro flinch. “I had no idea what was wrong with me! If it’s because there’s still something lurking in me, or because I forgot something important, or because I remember the fights. You knew, and you just kept it to yourself?”

Shiro winced. “I really thought you were okay.”

“You- Dammit, Shiro, you  _ know _ what the lion means to me. To us! You really thought it was okay? I thought you understood!”

Ducking his head, Shiro nodded. “Yeah. I knew it wasn’t the same for you. But you didn’t seem unhappy. I didn’t want to bring it up and make it worse. You’re right, I should have said. It was thoughtless.”

No, it wasn’t. Shiro wasn’t that stupid. There was a reason. It was the same stupid reason Shiro was avoiding Black himself.

“Why?” Ryou bit out. “Tell me why.”

“Because your quintessence is different.” Shiro met his eyes, bright and earnest. “Not anything else. However Haggar made you, you don’t have as much as I do. I don’t understand why, and Black didn’t explain. But you don’t have enough energy, essentially. That’s why. That’s all.”

Ryou stared, feeling weighed down into place. He collapsed back into his chair, not breaking eye contact. “That’s why?”

Nodding, Shiro started to relax. “That’s all. It’s nothing personal. You didn’t do anything wrong. There’s just not enough there.”

Leaning back in his chair, Ryou continued to watch Shiro. Then, slowly, he let his head fall back. A chuckle escaped him, and then another, building into a burst dam of hysteria. “She made me wrong. All her stupid plans, and she made me too weak.”

“That’s not-”

“It is!” Ryou covered his face with his hand, still letting out guttural laughs. “Ah, man. What a freaking joke. All that effort, all those resources, and they still did it wrong.” He finally dropped his hand and gave Shiro a sharp smile. “Think it’ll mess with the arm too?”

Shiro stared, slumped in dismay. “Ryou…”

He shrugged, ignoring the tone. “Worth knowing, right? I don’t think I’ve had it on for longer than a few seconds. Maybe it’ll give out. We should check that out.”

“Ryou.”

Brows up, Ryou tilted his head. “Yeah?”

“You’re not wrong and weak.”

Ryou smiled again, strained and bland. “Wrong. We have proof.”

Sighing, Shiro scrubbed over his face. “This is- Enough, Ryou. Most people don’t have enough quintessence for the lions. That’s why they went unfound for ten thousand years.”

“You do, and I was supposed to be you. Whoops.” Ryou spread his arms. “The arm works because you have enough energy to maintain it. The lions work because you all have the quintessence to support them.”

Shiro looked up at him. “I figured you’d appreciate knowing you’re not a monster.”

The manic energy abruptly went out of Ryou. He sighed and dropped his arms in his lap. “You don’t know that for sure. They made me wrong. What else is messed up?”

“Not the important parts.” Shiro looked him over. “You- there’s…” He closed his eyes. “I promise, Ryou. You have everything you need.”

Ryou gave a sad smile. “Not everything.”

Shiro’s jaw worked, like he was wrestling with something. Sitting up straighter, Ryou wondered if he was finally going to get whatever the last part of Shiro’s puzzle was.

Instead, the alarm blared.

The intercom clicked on. “Shiro, Ryou? The paladins need back up.”

Standing, Shiro nodded to the door. “Let’s go.”

“I can’t help.”

Shiro froze. “When I left they’d landed. You can still fight, I know you can.”

“What if the arm gives out?” Ryou shot back. “What if  _ I  _ give out.”

“That’s not-”

“There’s only one set of armor,” he continued, speaking over Shiro’s objection. “There’s no time to sit around and make another pair. So go, and Matt will go with you. I’ll go help Coran on the bridge.”

Shiro took a deep breath, but it was clearly he didn’t have the time or arguments to disagree. “Fine. But we’re talking about this.”

Waving him off, Ryou stood. “No need. I get it. Go on. Go help our team.”

For a moment, Shiro hesitated. But the alarms continued, so he groaned. “Dammit,  _ later. _ ” He turned and started for the door, Ryou on his heels.

As they turned down opposite sides of the hallway, Ryou glanced back. “Hey. Shiro.”

“Changed your mind?”

“Hell no. But if you keep something like that from me again, I’m going to knock out  _ all your damn teeth.” _

The snarl made Shiro tense, but he nodded. “Understood.”

With that, he was gone, heading for the entryway.

Ryou watched him go, something dark churning in his stomach. Then he shook his head and focused, heading up to the control room.

***

Hours later, Ryou trudged into his room, eyes closed. He wasn’t doing the direct fighting, but he came away from fights exhausted. Even without the mission going wrong, it would have been a long, awful day.

Scrubbing over his face, he sat down on his bed.

Or he tried.

Yelping, Ryou stood up, rubbing at the new scrape on his back.

On the bed was a metal container. One with unfortunately sharp corners.

“The hell?” Ryou muttered. He tipped it back, trying to get a hint where it had come from.

There was a note taped on the front. In Shiro’s handwriting, it said  _ ‘for next time.’ _

Huh.

Annoyance churned in Ryou’s stomach. He’d had enough to deal with today, and he was still deeply upset with Shiro. All those days and weeks obsessing, and Shiro had an answer the whole time.

Now this. One more thing to handle.

It was deeply tempting to just shove it off the bed and try to get some rest. But Ryou suspected he wasn’t going to have great dreams tonight, and he wasn’t in a special hurry to try.

Besides, he was curious. Which was probably why Shiro had put it in the stupid box.

“Damn you,” Ryou muttered. Rolling his eyes at himself, he pulled off the lid.

Inside was paladin armor.

White paladin armor.

The lid dropped from Ryou’s nerveless hands. It clattered noisily on the ground, but he barely heard it.

Slowly, he reached inside, and picked up the helmet. With the same careful, dazed pace, he pulled it onto his head.

It fit.

Ryou took a deep breath, stomach twisting. Finally, he looked inside again, and this time noticed another note.

_ ‘I figured this would suit you better,’ _ it said.  _ ‘I know you’ve been trying more colors in your outfits, but the white looked good, and it’ll match your hair. Matt agreed to test your arm, too. No more excuses. You’re part of the team, so no more getting out of fights.’ _

It wasn’t signed. There was no need for one.

“Jackass,” Ryou muttered, rubbing over his eyes again. “I’m still mad at you. Gunna kick you across the mats tomorrow.”

But despite that, he stripped and pulled on the under suit, then the new armor.

Stepping to the mirror, Ryou took a deep breath.

A paladin looked back.

If he had very unpaladin-like tear tracks down his cheeks, no one needed to see it.


	5. Chapter 5

The group of drones turned down the hall, already firing.  Growling in annoyance, Ryou turned around, running backwards as well as he could, and flipped on the shield from his armor.  It wasn’t quite enough to protect all three of them, but the drones were notoriously bad shots while moving.  Ryou only had to block the ones that came close enough.

“Warn me if you’re about to turn,” he called, chancing a glance back at Lance and Hunk.  

Looking back over his shoulder, Hunk winced as a shot impacted Ryou’s shield.  “Just this next turn at the end of this hallway,” he called back.  “Then we can close the blast doors, and-”

They turned the corner, Ryou awkwardly pivoting to keep his shield toward the oncoming bots.

Only to face a new group of drones, equally armed with their blasters up.

“Wrong way,” Lance said, turning on his heel and bolting the opposite way down the hall.  But it ended just fifteen feet away, with a closed door.

Trapped.  Dammit.

Hunk dove for the door, trying to open it, but the console wouldn’t respond to him at all.  “Um, guys?” He called, activating his comms.  “How is everyone else doing?  ‘Cause we might need some-” he yelped as a shot just barely whizzed over the top of his head.  “Some back-up!”

“We’re still too far away,” Pidge reported.  “And I’m not done shutting down the communications network yet.  Keith’s busy keeping out unwanted guests.”

There was a sounded like rended metal, and the familiar hum of the Galra prosthetic.  “Allura and I are heading your way.  Just hold tight,” Shiro said.

“Easier said than done.”  Lance pulled out his gun and started to shoot, blasting down bots with pinpoint accuracy.  The hallway wasn’t wide enough for the whole horde, bottle-necking them into rows of two.

Planting his feet, Ryou moved in front of both Lance and Hunk.  “You two do as much damage as you can before they get close.  I’ll make sure nothing gets past this point and do the shield work.”

“Got it,” Hunk replied.  He pulled out his bayard as well.  “Just be sure to duck when I say so.”

“Since I want to keep my head?  I promise.”

Hunk snorted.  “Good.  Duck!”

Crouching down, Ryou held the shield sideways, covering himself as Hunk’s multishot blasted down the top half of the hall.  Pieces of several bots went flying, bouncing off the projected shield and clanking onto the ground.

As soon as the dust settled, Ryou bounced back up, right arm buzzing, the other pulling the shield up and blocking off as much of their return fire as possible.  Lance shot around Ryou, taking advantage of the metal walls to bounce his laser off the sides rather than fire too close to Ryou.

One bot darted forward, hopping over a fallen comrade and following Ryou’s shield, where no fire could come from.  “Heads up and take cover,” Ryou called.

“Ready,” Hunk called.  Both ducked down, making themselves smaller targets.

Dropping the shield, Ryou threw himself at the bot.  He grabbed hold of the metal arm and used it like a handle, pulling the drone in front of himself to take a round of enemy fire.  Then he spun on his heel and threw it right back into the group, knocking down several like bowling pins.

Ryou grinned viciously at the group, then pulled the shield back up.  “Yeah, try it.  Get close again, I dare you.”

“Having fun being back in the field?” Lance asked, sounding deeply amused.

Laughing, Ryou nodded.  “Oh, yeah.  I really am.”

“Glad to hear it,” Hunk said.  “Duck again, please.”  He fired over Ryou’s head.  “Think we’ve thinned it out enough to make a run for the labs?”

Ryou tilted his head, considering.  “Still a good number of them, but if we can get to the door, you think you can get in?”

“Yeah,” Hunk said.  “If I can get just a couple of minutes before we’re over run.”

Lance snorted.  “We can give you 30 seconds, I think.”

“I’ll make do.”

Bracing again, Ryou nodded.  “Alright, one more shot, then I’ll get the stranglers?”

“Duck!”

Ryou didn’t even wait for the metal bodies to hit the floor.  He bulldozed forward, using the shield like a battering ram.  In the limited space, there was nowhere for the bots to go.  Ryou smashed one into another, then both of them hit the wall hard enough to break them apart.  Before the last couple of drones could adjust their aim, Ryou sliced one in half, then plunged his arm into another.

Maybe it was inappropriate, but Ryou was nearly beaming as he waved Hunk and Lance after him.  Yes, they were fighting for their lives in a Galra base, but Ryou was back.  He was being a paladin again, making a difference, defending the universe.

Even without a lion, he could do this.

It felt good.

The passed the T junction of the hallway, and Ryou glanced down.  There were no more robots in sight, but he could hear footsteps echoing from far away.  And they were moving in quite a hurry.

“Okay, your 30 seconds starts now,” he called, nodding to Hunk.  

Hunk groaned, but pulled the casing off the console with one powerful yank.  He ignored Lance’s impressed whistle, though a smile did curl up the corner of his mouth.

Just as the footsteps started to grow near, Hunk gave a victorious cry and the door pulled open.  They barreled through, Ryou holding his shield back up again.  As the door closed again, more bots rounded the corner and tried to shoot, but were unable to fire before they were closed off.

With casual grace, Lance shot the control, frying it completely.  “Okay, cool.  Where do we put the charges?”

“On anything that looks important,” Hunk replied.  “We don’t have time to figure out what’s what, so we’re just going to have to blow it all.”

Ryou nodded, taking Hunk’s bag and pulling out the small detonators.  “Sounds good to me.”  He grabbed a handful for himself, then passed it over to Lance, and started to stick the charges to anything that looked impressive.  It whined and a light started to blink, proving it was primed.

“How long until these go off?” Lance asked.  “Or are they triggered?”

“When the signal stops,” Hunk replied.  “If nothing else, it’ll be a good distraction.  Hopefully when we’re very, very far away.  Like, wormhole far away.”

Ryou inclined his head.  “If all goes to plan.”

Snorting, Lance shot him a smile, easy and bright.  “That means ‘no chance.’”

“See, I wasn’t going to say it like that.”  Ryou beamed back.  Honestly, he was glad he was with Lance for his first big mission back.  Hunk too, but Lance had been the first to accept him, and he was still the easiest to joke with and feel comfortable around.

Hunk attached the last one, then pulled his bag back over his shoulders.  “Alright, let’s head out.  We can meet Shiro and Allura on the way.  Anyone need a minute, first?”

Looking at the time-sensitive bombs littered around the lab, Ryou shot Hunk an odd look.  “What for?”

“You might be out of shape.  It’s been a while for you.”

Rolling his eyes, Ryou gave Hunk a fond shove on the shoulder.  The force didn’t even make Hunk blink.  “I was born for this.  Literally, if we mean combat in general.  So c’mon, let’s go.  Shiro, Allura, how close are you to the lab’s east entrance?”

“Two minutes out,” Allura replied.  “We had a slight delay.”

“No problem, we managed.  Heading back to the lions now.”  Lance opened the opposite lab door and ducked his head out, looking around, then waved them through.  The three of them ran out, passed the labs and toward the hangars.

“We’re done over here, too,” Keith called.  “Pidge left them a few surprises, too.”

There was a dark chuckle.  “Just a couple of ways to show our appreciation for their hospitality,” Pidge agreed.  “We’ll be at the main hangar in five.”

So far, so good.  Plenty of time for those explosives.

While no mission ever went perfectly smoothly from start to finish, there was a bounce to Ryou’s step as they ran.  The problems were ones they could handle, the drones were proving to be less and less of an obstacle as time went on, and for once they were ahead of schedule.

Maybe the key all this time was to have more than five people in combat.

“We’re almost there,” Lance called.  “When we get to the lions, I can head out with Red and start doing some damage to the outside.  It could shake them up enough to give the rest of you a clear path.”

Keith hummed thoughtfully.  “Go for it, just be careful to aim away from any of us.”

Expression twisted, Lance rolled his eyes.  “Well, yeah?”

“It’s a good idea,” Keith replied.  “I’m just saying.”

Lance huffed but didn’t keep up the argument, either because he was letting it go or because he didn’t have the breath to keep it up.

But as they ran passed one of the smaller hangars, the bay doors just behind them opened.  And then there were more drones.

A lot more drones.  

“Oh, no,” Hunk groaned.  “Can we-”  A shot just barely missed his helmet, scorching the wall instead.  “Okay, no, can’t just outrun these.”  He pulled out his bayard and paused, letting Lance and Ryou get by, before firing out a shot.

It made a dent, at least, but there were still nearly a dozen drones left.  And they were too close and this hallway was too large to try the same method that had worked for them when they were trapped.

Which meant-

“You two keep going,” Ryou called.  “I’ll take care of these.”  He stepped forward, the shield back up.

Lance gaped at him.  “What?  Ryou-”

“I can hold my own against these,” he replied.  “And if you can get to the Red Lion and start doing some damage, the impact will knock them off balance.  Just give me warning, and then I can manage for the minute it’ll take.  So go!”

Gripping his bayard tighter, Hunk stepped forward.  “I can-”

“At this close quarters we’ll be in each other’s way,” Ryou shot back.  “Let me, okay?  I’ve got this.  Trust me.”  Shots from the drones hit his shield, making him grunt from the force of impact.

There was really no good response to that.  Lance and Hunk shared a look, their expressions tight and unhappy.  But Lance sighed.  “Ryou-”

Ryou shot them a thumbs up, totally ignoring his tone.  “Run fast.”

“I really don’t like this,” Hunk muttered, but there wasn’t a lot he could argue.  The drones were nearly on top of them.

“Please,” Ryou said.  “Let me do this.”

Groaning, Lance shook his head.  “Fine!  Fine, already. Hunk, c’mon.”  He bolted off, and Hunk followed a second after, giving Ryou a last, worried glance.

Okay.  Time for Ryou to pull his weight.

With that, he finally dropped his shield and ran forward.  His first strike cleanly cut through the bot at the front of the pack. 

There was some back and forth over the helmet’s comms that Ryou didn’t have time to listen to.  Instead he ducked out of the way.  Another one of the drones tried to smack him with their blaster.  Ryou kicked out their leg in response.

Another tried to strike him in the back, but Ryou spun.  He cleaved through their arm, and then jabbing through the chest.  As he pulled himself free, his elbow crashed into the casing of yet another drone.  Ryou ducked, and felt the displaced air from the blow he’d dodged.

Rolling away, Ryou stood again.  A drone raised their gun, aimed directly for his head, and he cut it in half.  Before he could strike, another one fired behind him.  It missed, hitting the bot Ryou had been facing.  Grabbing hold of its arm, Ryou spun and threw the bot away.  It hit another drone, but there were still half a dozen around him.

Okay, maybe Ryou hadn’t had this as well as he’d thought.

Vaguely, he heard someone calling over his comms, loud and urgent.  But Ryou couldn’t focus on that.  Instead he spun, striking a glancing blow on one drone’s chest.  A blow hit Ryou’s left shoulder, knocking him off balance.  He braced on the wall and kicked off, jumping and driving his fist into the offender’s head.  They crashed to the ground, and Ryou landed in a crouch.

There was so much noise around him, voices far away and yelling over each other.  He was in on a Galra ship, the alien but now familiar engines humming through the walls and-

No, not like that.  Ryou was fighting, but not in an arena.  This was different.

Ryou looked up just in time to see yet another bot aiming for Ryou’s unprotected back.  Their finger was already on the trigger.  Ryou had only enough time to start to dodge, heart in his throat.

Then another, different glowing Galra fist slammed into them and knocked them away.

“Ryou!”  Shiro called, eyes wide.  “Why haven’t you been responding?”

“Little busy,” Ryou replied, swallowing against the half answer.  “Are Lance and Hunk-”

There was a loud crash in the distance, and a responding rumble that nearly threw Ryou off his feet.

“Yes,” Allura replied.  “They are.  And Keith and Pidge are nearly to the Black Lion.  Finish up quickly, or else give the word.  I’ll have Blue rip through to you if it comes to that.”

Shiro smiled and shook his head.  “I hope it won’t, Princess, but thank you.”  He cut through another drone.  “Injured, Ryou?”

“Just bruising,” he replied.  Standing, he moved so Shiro was at his back, facing out toward the rest.  “Sorry to worry you.  Let’s finish this up.”

Fighting in a small group against the drones would have been a problem with Lance and Hunk.  But it wasn’t with Shiro.  It was easy to predict each other, especially after so many all out sparing matches.  They ducked and weaved, Ryou going low when Shiro went high, and soon the remaining drones were almost all defeated.

Finally, only one remained, gun up and trained on them.  “You want them?” Shiro asked, arm up to deflect a blast.

“Nah, you were the Big Damn Hero today, all yours.” 

Shiro turned to flash him a smile, just as there was another rumble through the ship.

Several things happened at once.

The ship bucked, hard enough to make them both stumble.  Shiro stepped closer, stance widening as he struggled to keep his feet.  The drone fired just before it too teetered to the side.

By sheer, dumb, awful luck, the shot was aimed perfectly at where Shiro would be.

It hit him in the center of his back.

Shiro’s breath left and, and he collapsed to the ground, unmoving.

Ryou’s heart stopped.

Before the drone could even retain its balance, Ryou shot forward.  He struck hard, cutting right through the bot’s head.  Then he spun again and sliced the chest clean open.  A final kick sent the limp body crashing to the ground.

Then Ryou darted back to Shiro, who still hadn’t moved.

“Shiro?” He asked.  “Hey, are you-?”

There was no response.

The armor in the center of Shiro’s back was cracked and blackened, and Ryou could smell something burning.

With a shaky breath, Ryou closed his eyes.  “Shiro’s down,” he reported.

There was a round of exclamations that Ryou flinched from.  “How injured is he?” Pidge asked.

“He’s unconscious,” Ryou replied.  “I can’t tell more right now.  Um.  Allura, that ride still on the table?”

“Yes,” Allura said, voice tight but steady.  “I can get close to you.  Do you feel comfortable moving him?”

Ryou looked down again and winced.  That smell was bad news, and it was at the center of his back.  But the pod could hopefully work its magic here.  “No, but we don’t really have a choice.  Just don’t come down directly on us.  Everyone else in place?”

There was a grunt, and Ryou heard a roar, tinny over the comms.  “We’re in Black,” Keith sounded strained, nearly choking out the words.  “Allura, you help Lance cover us.  The Black Lion is heading that way no matter what.”

“Black’s jawblade will get in faster anyway,” Hunk offered.

Allura sighed, and Ryou could picture her nodding.  “Understood.”

“Prepare for impact in fifteen ticks.  We’ll get as close as we can without putting you in direct danger,” Pidge said.

Ryou nodded.  “Sorry about this,” he murmured, and then picked Shiro up.  

That earned him a pained whimper that punched right through Ryou.

If he hadn’t been such an overconfident idiot, Shiro wouldn’t have had to save his ass.

If Ryou had focused more on training and less on mechanics until last week, he could have ended it without putting Shiro in danger.

If he’d been faster and smarter, Ryou could have gotten his shield up, or pulled Shiro out of harm’s way.

Stupid.  He’d been so stupid.

“Just for a couple of minutes,” Ryou murmured, gentle as he could.  He activated his helmet’s space setting, then turned on Shiro’s for him.  “Just till Black gets here.  You’re stubborn, you can take it.  Just for a little while.”

If anyone was able to pick up his ramblings, they were at least kind enough not to comment.

“Three, two, one-”

There was a crash just as Pidge’s countdown ended.  Metal rended, and Ryou braced hard, holding Shiro tightly against him as they both swayed.

This time, terrifyingly, Shiro didn’t make a noise.

As soon as Ryou saw the Black Lion’s face break through the metal, he pushed to his feet and started to run.  The muzzle opened, allowing Ryou to scramble through.  He put Shiro down as fast as he could, murmuring apologies over and over again for moving him like that.

The pods could fix it.  They had to be able to.  Otherwise-

Ryou swallowed against sudden burning behind his eyes.

“We’re good!”  He called.  “Get us out of here!”

The Black Lion shifted under them, and Ryou had the vague sense of them turning.  Then engines roared, and they were off.

“We’ve got this covered,” Lance informed them.  “Between Blue and Red, we’ve got enough firepower for this little station.  Just get Shiro back to the castle.”

“Right,” Keith replied, in eerie echo from up the stairs and in Ryou’s helmet.  “How’s Shiro look?”  There was a dark edge to his voice, barely held back tension.

Not like Ryou didn’t deserve it.

Pulling back, he scanned over Shiro.  “He’s looked better, but he’s not in danger of dying in the next minute.  I wouldn’t take your time, though.”

There were footsteps above, and then Pidge ran down the ramp, pulling her helmet off.  She paused at Shiro’s slack, pale face.  “Where was he hit?”  

“The back,” Ryou admitted.  “I don’t really want to turn him over again to have a look.  I think it cauterized when he was hit.”

Pidge made a face but didn’t ask why he thought that.  For which Ryou was very thankful.

“Coran, incoming,” Keith called.  “Have a pod ready.”

“Understood,” Coran replied.  “Matt-”  He started to give rapid-fire instructions, but none of it was focused at Ryou, so it faded out of focus.

Instead, Ryou gently removed Shiro’s helmet and put it down behind him.  Then he took hold of Shiro’s hand and held it tightly between both of his.

Shiro would be okay.

He had to be.

***

Ryou placed his hand against the pod and sighed.  His breath fogged up the glass, for a moment blocking his view of Shiro, before it faded again.

Probably a full day in there.  Maybe more.  Likely, even.

The slack, pale look on the identical face made Ryou’s stomach turn.  Even in a healing sleep, Shiro’s brows were furrowed and his lips pulled down.  Not surprising, given the pain he must have been in.

Getting shot in the back was never pleasant.  

Worse, Ryou knew damn well the memories that lurked in Shiro’s mind.  The pod had a tendency to bring them out, without even the reprieve of waking up in the middle of the night.  He was trapped in his own head.

“Dammit,” Ryou muttered, knocking his forehead to the glass next to his hand.  

Shiro was here because he’d had to save Ryou.  Because Ryou had been arrogant, too excited to be back in the field, and he’d bitten off more than he could chew.  It wasn’t even Ryou who payed the price for that stupidity.

When would he stop expecting the universe to be fair?

He knocked his forehead against the glass again, chasing off the dark, spiraling thoughts.  They weren’t helpful.  It was just brooding.  He needed to cut it out.  Right now.

“I would ask you not to keep hitting the glass,” a voice said.  Ryou whirled, eyes wide, and saw Allura at the entrance of the pod room.  He hadn’t even heard the door open.  “If you break it, it will not be able to help Shiro.”

Rubbing his forehead, Ryou shrugged.  “Well, I don’t think my head is quite hard enough to do that kind of damage.”

“Are you sure?”

Ryou winced, his stomach dropping.  “I-”

Eyes widening, Allura frowned.  “Oh.  I meant it in a teasing way.”  She stepped forward, looking up at Shiro’s pale, sleeping face.  “You both are quite stubborn.”

“Yeah, well, some things I couldn’t shake.  Call it a family trait.”  Ryou managed a sickly smile, his hands slipping into his pockets.  “You’re right.  I was bullheaded today.”

Allura hummed.  “You had good intentions, and you were giving Lance and Hunk a chance to get to the Red Lion.  Perhaps you overestimated how long you could hold your own.”

“I totally overshot,” Ryou replied, shrugging.  “I was thinking ‘oh, I’ve beat dozens of these before, and I’ve beat way bigger opponents’.  No thought at all for that I’m out of practice, or that it wasn’t me who won those fights.”  He shook his head.  “On the first mission back.”

“We all make mistakes in the heat of the moment,” Allura replied.  She glanced at him.  “Did the others tell you much about my first mission as a paladin?”

Brow furrowed, Ryou racked his brain.  “That was where you were on the strange planet with the odd clouds, right?  Where you unlocked the sonic cannon.”

Allura nodded, hands folded in front of her.  “Yes. And the whole time I kept insisting that I could manage and I was doing alright.  In truth, there is a world of difference between the castle and a lion.  Worse, other than being accepted, I hadn’t heard from the lion at all.  I was just moving the controls and hoping for the best.”

Turning, Ryou braced his shoulder on the glass.  For some irrational reason, he felt better having contact with the pod.  As if he could defend Shiro from further harm if he just stayed close.  “But you managed.  Hell, you got everyone back together at the end.”

“After getting myself thoroughly lost and chased,” Allura replied easily.  “It could have gone a very different way, I assure you.  My point is that it’s nearly impossible to know the full scope of a situation before you get into it.  You learn from your mistakes and move on.”

Ryou sighed.  “I suppose.  I just hate that I didn’t pay the price.”

Expression softening into something deeply mournful, Allura gave him a smile that didn’t meet her eyes.  “That’s not how it works.”

No kidding.

Ryou went back to staring at Shiro, taking a long, deep breath.  

Finally, Allura cleared her throat.  “You know, Shiro was nervous before this mission.”

“He’s always nervous before missions,” Ryou replied, bone dry.  “He just covers it with leaderly bluster.”  But he looked over at her, head tilted.  “Because of me?”

Allura shook her head.  “No, for you.  Like you said, it was your first mission back.  Had you even worn the armor before?”  She gestured to his outfit.

“I had, but only for a mirror.”  Ryou gave a flat smile.  “Did he not think I was ready?”

“If he had, do you think he would have let you on the mission?”

No.

Inclining his head, Ryou looked away again.  “Fair enough.”

Allura hesitated, then reached out and put a hand on Ryou’s shoulder.  “It wasn’t a slight against you, and I didn’t tell you to make you feel guilty.  I just notice that you’ve become more protective of each other.”

“I guess so,” Ryou agreed, eying Shiro through the glass.  

“When you were in trouble and weren’t responding, he rushed to defend you.  I could barely keep up, which was why I went to get Blue ready instead.”  Allura squeezed his shoulder.  “And you’ve made an effort to help him.”

Ryou winced.  “Guess we weren’t as subtle as we’d hoped.”

That drew a smile out of Allura.  “I’d say you both rarely are.”

Crinkling his nose, Ryou sighed.  “Fair.  It’s hard not to want to help.  I get it, you know?  What’s happening.  How it feels.  I can’t look at someone and not want to spare them.”

“I admire that,” Allura replied.  “In both of you, though I feel you show it more openly.”

Ryou inclined his head.  “Maybe.”  He offered her another thin smile.  “I’m not sure what you’re building up to at the moment, though.”

Allura stepped back.  “No conclusion, not really.  Simply an observation.  I spoke to Lance and Hunk about what happened before you split up.  They said you mostly stuck to using your shield for them.”

“Yeah, it was mostly long distance stuff.  Block return fire and take anyone who gets too close.”

Brows up, Allura looked at Shiro.  “You know, I think I can count on one hand the number of times Shiro has used his suit’s shield.  He prefers to defend by keeping up an offense.”

Ryou paused, thinking it over.  “That’s true.  Then again, one mission is a bad sample size.  And I did the exact same thing later, throwing myself into the group so Lance and Hunk had a chance to get ahead.”

“Even so, I just find it interesting.  I wonder why the difference.  You fight so similarly otherwise.”

“If I had to bet?”  Ryou held up his right arm, working the Altean-made fingers.  “I’ve had more reason to second guess this weapon.”

Allura nodded slowly.  “That’s true.  But I wonder if it might also be a more fundamental difference.”

Shrugging, Ryou dropped his arm.  “Maybe.  Hard to say.”  And, frankly, he didn’t care to examine the reason.  Some other day, but right now he just wanted to…

Hell, Ryou wanted to mope.  Sue him.

But before he could say as much, the door opened again.  Keith stepped into the room, out of his armor.  At the sight of them both, he paused.  “Am I interrupting something?”

“No, I was just finishing up,” Allura replied.  “If you’ll excuse me, I’d like to get changed into something made of cloth instead of metal.”  With a last pat to Ryou’s shoulder, she slipped out.

Leaving Ryou and Keith alone.

Right after Ryou’s arrogance put Shiro in the pod.

Swallowing hard, he prepared for the inevitable, deserved anger.

But Keith didn’t glare or rage or tell Ryou to get out.  Instead he walked over and sighed.  “He spends far too much time in there.”

“Agreed,” Ryou replied, from the bottom of his heart.

Silence settled over them both.  Where Ryou’s was tense, waiting for some sort of reaction, Keith’s didn’t seem to be.  He was resigned, really.

Which might have been worse.

Ryou raised his hand, hesitating.  “Can I…?”

Looking over, Keith arched a brow, then focused on Ryou’s hand.  “Can you what?”

“I was going to pat your shoulder.”

Keith froze, then his brow furrowed.  “I’m not against asking for permission, but why?”

Because Ryou had put his best friend in a pod with his carelessness.  Because Keith had never liked contact from strangers, which Ryou still felt like.  Because Keith had hated Ryou for at least a short time, even if he seemed calmer now.

“I wasn’t sure you wanted me to.”

Keith tilted his head, then nodded.  “Yeah.  You can.  You alright?”

“Just bruises,” Ryou reported.  He gave Keith’s shoulder a gentle squeeze.  “Coran says to not use my left arm much for the next day or so, but otherwise nothing worth mentioning.”  Guilt churned anew, and he pulled his hand back.  

A snort drew his attention.  Keith eyed him, a bare curl to the corner of his lips.  “Yeah, I know the feeling.”

Ryou paused.  “Which feeling would this be?”

“The ‘how could I have kept Shiro from getting hurt’ one,” Keith said, meeting Ryou’s gaze steadily.  “You know, after the Kerberos mission?  I wondered if I’d convinced him to wait for me to graduate, if he’d be safe and happy on Earth.”

Stomach dropping, Ryou stared at Keith.  “You- Keith, you couldn’t have known, and it wouldn’t have been your responsibility to stop him.  Besides, he couldn’t have stayed.  I-he was so excited.”  It had been everything, the culmination of his entire life to that moment.

“I know.  But it’s a feeling, not a rational thought.”  Keith’s brows rose, and his fingers curled against the glass of the pod.  “Do you know that?”

Ryou flinched.  “I-”

Smiling back, Keith shook his head.  “You should go wash up like Allura did.  Rest up a bit.  I’ll watch for a few hours, alright?”

At first, Ryou opened his mouth to object.  But then he saw the way Keith’s fingers nearly dug into the glass, and the stubborn, fever bright shine to his eyes.

Keith probably needed the time here.

“Okay,” Ryou said.  “I’ll be back later.  No need to stand guard alone, after all.”

Managing a bare smile, Keith shook his head.  “Honestly?  I need some time.”

Oh.  Ryou could understand that.  If nothing else, ranting at someone in a pod was a really good way of getting out frustration and fear when someone got hurt.

“Understood,” he replied.  “I’ll leave you to it, then.”

Keith nodded.  “Hey. Ryou.  We’re a combat team.  I’m not mad at you any more than I’m mad at Coran when Lance pushed him away from that fake Rover bomb.  Alright?”

Ryou forced a smile.  “Gotcha.  Thanks.”

With that, he fled before Keith could offer any more words.

It was different.  It felt different, on a fundamental level.

Ryou couldn’t name why.

***

Newly washed and no less exhausted, Ryou started to wander the castle. He’d promised to give Keith some significant alone time, so the pod room was out.  But sitting around was making Ryou antsy.  A walk would do him good.

Rather than plan where he was going, Ryou started to wander.  He ducked his head into the control room, finding it empty.  The hallway with everyone’s rooms was equally abandoned at this time of day, as was the training room.

Then there was the hangars.

Ryou paused in front of the Black Lion’s door.  His fingers dug into the metal as he hesitated, but he stepped inside.  This time, thankfully, there was no twisting hope, no bitter disappointment.  Ryou physically couldn’t be the Black Paladin.  As much as that hurt, the certainty was a relief.

There was also no movement and no lights, but Ryou knew that would happen.

“So,” Ryou said, staring up at the unseeing face.  “Shiro explained what was going on.  A little late, but, well, at least I know.  I guess.”  He leaned against the wall, arms crossed.  “Guess it makes the whole yelling questions at you thing kind of dramatic, huh?”

No movement.

“Kinda still doing it.  Shoot.  I just- I dunno, I don’t know what I’m expecting, here.  I just wanted you to know I understand, I guess.  I don’t know if you can hear this.  I don’t know if you care.  But I’m sorry for getting so upset at you the other day.  I get it.  I don’t like it, but I get it.”

No movement.

“Yeah, you don’t care.  That’s fine.  Why should you?  I was never your paladin.  Never one at all, really.”  Ryou pressed his bangs back out of his face.  “I just miss you.  But that’s not my life.  It never was.  I’ve been pretty good about staying out of Shiro’s places, except for here.  I think I’m done with it.”

No movement.

“Shiro was right, that I need to let it go.  Accept my place on the team.  It’s not to lead.  It’s to support.  It’s not what I wanted before, but I’m okay with it.  It’s where I can help, and I can back them up and defend them all.  This time I didn’t succeed, but next time I’ll do better.”

No movement.

Smiling, Ryou shook his head and turned around.  He stopped in the door frame.  “Goodbye, Black.”

No movement.

But as he walked away, Ryou felt a warmth, a connection.  It wasn’t Black.  He knew that feeling, and this one was different.

It let him know this was the right call.

***

The next stop of Ryou’s check of the castle was the kitchen.

“Hey,” Lance greeted.  “You alright?  I expected you to haunt the pod room until someone dragged you out.”

Jeez, that was immediate.  How bad did he look right now?

Shrugging, Ryou leaned against a wall.  “Well, Keith wanted some time.  So I went to wash up.  Now I’m just killing time.”

“You want to test these with us?” Hunk asked.  He gestured toward the oven, which was lit from within.

Brows up, Ryou tilted his head.  “I can’t taste,” he reminded.

Hunk’s expression fell. “Right.  I wonder if we can’t fix that, somehow?  With the pods or something?”

“Frankly, I’m not super comfortable for anything that’s going to mess with my neurology even further.”

Lance kicked the chair next to him, pushing it away from the table.  “You can still enjoy the smells and the texture.  Taste is like, half smell anyway, right?”

Nodding, Hunk shrugged one shoulder. “Something like that.”

Well, it wasn’t like Ryou had anywhere better to be.  He sat down and matched Lance’s smile as best he could.

“Besides, you look like you could use cookies,” Lance decided.  “You’re rattled.”

Ryou tensed.  “I’m not,” he insisted.  Then he sighed. “Alright, maybe a little. Shiro got shot in front of me.  So, you know, not a great day, though at least one person has it worse than me.”

Sitting down as well, Hunk sighed.  “It sucks,” he agreed.  “Both sides of it.  Honestly?  Most days I’d rather be the one shot.  At least you go in the pod and come out perfectly fine.  When it’s the people around you, you worry.”

“Yeah,” Ryou muttered, looking down at the table.

Lance leaned over and knocked his shoulder to Ryou’s.  “Hey, you kept me and Hunk from having holes in us.  Seriously, dude, this stuff happens.  You know that.  We get hurt.  It’s the nature of the business.”

“Doesn’t make it suck less,” Hunk offered.  He rested his jaw on his palm, currently encased in bright blue oven mitts.  “Waiting for news.”

“Well, you can dwell on that, or you can focus on what you got right,” Lance replied, eying Hunk flatly.  “Help me out here, dude, c’mon,” he muttered, only half under his breath.

Hunk’s cheeks pinked.  “I’m helping!  I’m empathizing!”

“Less agreeing, more distracting!”

Snorting, Ryou eyed them both.  “The empathy is nice, honestly.  It does suck.  I’m not really in the mood to celebrate anything, even if I am glad you’re not swiss cheese.”

Lance huffed.  “Fine.  Whatever helps.  You too mutually mope.  I’m going to hold out for cookies and good feelings.”

Unable to help it, Ryou smiled at Lance.  That was the same attitude that had helped Ryou out so much in those first few days.  ‘Nevermind the bad, let’s aim for the positive.  Sure, he’s a clone, but he cares for us and we know now’.

Reaching out, Ryou wrapped Lance in a one-armed hug, giving him a quick squeeze before backing off.  “Thanks, though.”

Lance went pink, then absolutely beamed.  “Well, someone’s got to be an optimist around here.  It’s a hard job, but at least one person has to remember to look on the bright side.”

“Didn’t you predict that Keith was going to try to attack everyone in the Blade of Marmora?” Ryou pointed out flatly.

This time, the color on Lance’s cheeks was embarrassment.  “I was making a point.  So I exaggerated a little.”

Hunk snorted.  “Uh-huh.  You didn’t just want to go to the cool secret rebel base on the special mission.”

“Look-”

Ryou interrupted before Hunk’s teasing could really get started.  “Well, Shiro partly picked Keith so he could hammer in his ‘so when I die, you need to step up’ plan.  Not sure you actually wanted to hear that.”

Eyes wide, Lance stared at him. “He did?”

“Mhmm.”

Hunk winced.  “No wonder Keith took so long to say anything.”

“Yup.”

Shuddering, Lance shook his head.  “Okay, yeah, Keith could have that awkward lion ride.  And it worked out with the knife and all that, I guess.”

The timer went off, and Hunk pushed away from the table to retrieve the cookies.  Ryou watched, taking a deep breath.  There was definitely a spice to the air, though Ryou didn’t recognize it.

Hunk set the cookies out on a rack and put the baking sheet aside.  “I wish that talk hadn’t become necessary.  For Keith’s sake.”

“For everyone’s,” Ryou agreed, sighing.  “It’s not fair.”

Looking over, Hunk managed a smile.  “It’s not.  The universe isn’t.  But us, as a group?  We’re pretty good at beating the odds and making it all work out.  As far as I’m concerned, that’s part of our job.  Making sure our streak holds.  Bringing everyone home in at least close to one piece.”

That resonated like Hunk had run a bell inside Ryou’s chest.  He nodded slowly, eyes wide.  “Yeah.  It kind of is.  And- well.  Shiro will be in one piece later.”

“He is.  And he made sure you came back too.  So it all worked out.  It doesn’t just have to be you looking out for Shiro.”  Lance’s brows rose pointedly.

But that was what felt right.  The team needed Shiro, and Ryou could help Shiro.  Part of that was the big ways, trying to keep him from getting hurt.  More often it was the small things, micro-moments of breakfasts and trainings and talks.

They were beating the odds and staying in one piece.  Maybe there were cracks and chips. But they held together.

Ryou liked that a lot.

Over his head, Hunk and Lance shared a look that Ryou couldn’t decode.  But they didn’t seem upset, so he didn’t bother to ask.  Instead he offered Hunk a smile.  “That’s a good perspective.”

“I try,” Hunk replied.  “Cookie time?”

“That’s up to you, chef.”

Grinning, Hunk moved some of the cookies to a plate.  “Well, then, I declare it to be so.”

Lance threw up his hands.  “All hail the honorable king, ruler of his domain.”

“Ooh, we should get him a chef’s hat with a crown on it.” Ryou added, his smile growing.

Eyes wide, Lance put a hand on each cheek, absolutely beaming.  “Yes.  We have to.  Hunk, you need it.”

Hunk rolled his eyes, but there was a pleased flush to his cheeks.  “If you say so.  Just eat.  How’s it, Ryou?”

Taking one, Ryou bit into it.  “Gooey,” he pronounced.  “It- nah, I don’t think the half-taste thing works when I have no idea what I’m smelling.  It feels good, though.  To eat.  And I kind of get the sense that it’s sweet?”

Hunk sighed.  “Fair enough.  Ah, man.  If I just had cinnamon.”

“You did your best,” Lance declared.  He patted Hunk comfortingly on the top of his hand.  “I think they’re great.  Got a kick to it, I like that.  Besides, we have a chance for an important experiment.  Do you feel better now, Ryou?  We need to know if cookie healing is from the taste of an inherent factor of the cookie itself.”

Considering, Ryou took another bite.  He glanced between them both and smiled.

“Honestly, yeah, I do.”

He didn’t think it was from the cookies, though.

***

Eventually, Ryou continued his trek.  He found Allura in the rec room, but she and the mice were working on something, so he let them be.  The engine room contained Coran, who greeted him distractedly before going back to his work.  In the labs, Matt and Pidge worked on a new AI, and he spent the better part of an hour helping them test it.  

With his options depleted, Ryou eventually found himself back in front of the med bay.

Through the door, he could hear Keith speaking, low and quiet.  

Ryou considered going in anyway, but Keith needed this.  Deeply, or else he never would have put the words together to ask.

Instead, Ryou wandered back to his room and sprawled out on his bed, one arm draped over his eyes.

Even taking out the talks he’d had, some more one-sided than others, Ryou was more relaxed.  Centered.  He knew where everyone was right now, and that they were healthy and cared for.  With one notable, terrible exception.

Everyone was safe as they could be.

Rolling over, Ryou grabbed a pillow and held it to his chest.

He’d screwed up.  He had.  No one had denied that, simply pointed out that they all did some days.

But next time, he’d do better.

Next time, Ryou would protect his-

His what?

Shiro wasn’t his leader.  They were teammates, true, but that wasn’t the word Ryou was looking for.

His original?

Eugh.  And that felt less and less true, as Ryou diverged further from Shiro.

His…

His something.  His friend.  His-

“Family,” Ryou decided, very quietly, like a secret he was afraid to share.  He curled in tighter on himself, fingers digging into the fabric of the pillow case.  “We’re family.”

It was the first time he’d thought the words and  _ meant _ it.  Not as a joke, not as something to be dismissed out of hand.  As fact.

Maybe Shiro didn’t feel the same way.  Maybe Ryou had his wires totally crossed, because he just didn’t know what it felt like to have a brother.  He loved the team, and they were family, but that was different.  He and Shiro were so much more complicated.  And they were related, if in the strangest way possible.

Family.

Rolling onto his back again, Ryou stared at the ceiling.  He hugged the pillow even tighter to his chest.  “Brother,” he said, as if testing the word in his mouth.

Like the cookie, it didn’t taste like much.  But there was the impression that it was sweet.

Huh.

***

“How long?”

“Ten more dobashes,” Coran replied easily.  He glanced over at Ryou, brows up.  “Two less than last time you asked.”

Abashed, Ryou shrugged one shoulder and offered a half-smile.  “My sense of time passing isn’t the best right now.”

Coran nodded thoughtfully.  “No, I suppose not.  No one’s is.”  He glanced over Ryou’s shoulder, until he followed his gaze.  

The rest of the team milled, waiting for the pod to open.  Matt, Pidge, and Hunk were packed together in one corner, as Hunk gestured his way through explaining something or other.  Lance and Allura murmured in low voices, Platt perched delicately in Lance’s cups hands and waving at them.  Keith stood against the far wall.  He had been approached more than once, but they’d all let him be after a few words.

Then there was Ryou, shifting his weight from foot to foot like an impatient child.

“They always come out fine,” Coran told him.  “Never been wrong about someone being healed.”

Starting slightly, Ryou glanced over at him.  “I know.  Well, okay, I don’t know.  But I’m not afraid he’ll still be hurt.”

Coran nodded.  “You seem anxious.”

That earned him a tense smile.  “Yes, well, I’ve had a lot of time to think over the passed day.  That usually doesn’t turn out well.”

“Nonsense,” Coran replied.  He reached over and patted Ryou on the arm.  “It’s only a fifty-fifty shot that you thinking goes poorly.  Give yourself some more credit.”

Ryou let out a choked snort.  On another day, it would have been a laugh, but today it caught in his throat.  “Thanks.  I’ll update my data.”

“You do that.  You’ve had it verified by my math, and I know what I’m talking about.”

Shoulders slumping, Ryou looked over.  “Yeah.  You do.”  He offered a more real smile.  “No cracks about Altean minds being superior?”

Coran’s smile went toothy.  “It was implied in the statement.”

“Ah, of course.”  Ryou shuffled closer, hands sliding into his pockets.  He was still bouncing slightly, filled with an energy that he couldn’t contain.

Looking him over, Coran’s expression softened.  For a moment, Ryou thought it looked like pity, so he tensed.  But on second glance, it was more like empathy. “You know, this is a dangerous job.”

Immediately, Ryou tensed, his shoulders jumping up.  “I know.  I’ve been told it’s not my fault already.”

“Not what I mean,” Coran said.  “No, I mean you never know when someone won’t come back to the pod.  When it’s too late.”

Ryou’s paled.  Slowly, his eyes tracked to Coran, slightly glassy.  “Or there’s not a pod available,” he agreed, very quiet.

“We Alteans live long lives.  But even those sometimes fall tragically short.  Sometimes, there’s a need to be proactive.”

A tremble started in Ryou’s hands.  He clenched them in his pockets to hide the movement.  “What are you saying, Coran?”

Coran sighed.  “I’m saying that you - that both of you - keep your thoughts and feelings very private.  Say less than what you mean.  It makes you both good at working with others in stressful situations, and it keeps you going in dark times.  But I fear it’ll hurt you in the long run.  Any day could be someone’s last.  Do you want to leave something unsaid?”

Swallowing hard, Ryou’s eyes burned.  He looked away, so Coran couldn’t see if his eyes reddened.  “Ah.  I understand.”

“You do.  It’s up to you.  You’re intelligent enough to make the right decision for yourself, and you’re brave enough to do it even if you’re frightened about the outcome.  I just hope you choose to do so when it’s personal instead of universal.”

Ryou barked out a laugh.  “That’s a lot harder, Coran.”

Nodding, Coran looked at the pods, specifically at the one he’d slept in for ten thousand years. “Yes, it is.  I know.”

There was a long beat of silence.  “Okay.  I- yeah.  I hear you.  Thank you, Coran.”  Ryou slumped forward in dry, almost joking defeat.  “Are we really that transparent?”

“To me you are.”  Coran patted him in the middle of the back, hard enough to make Ryou have to catch himself. Then he cleared his throat and spoke over Ryou’s head.  “Any tick now!”  The call made every head in the room bob up.  

As if in answer to Coran’s calculations, the pod door beeped, and the door opened.  Shiro’s eyes cracked open, brow already furrowed with sleepy stress and confusion.

“Shiro!” Pidge called.  She started forward, and began the mass movement to him.

But there was the loud, pitched squeak of boots scraping against the med bay floor.  Ryou sprinted forward, catching Shiro as he took the first shaky step out of his pod. 

Then he wrapped both his arms around Shiro’s chest and held on tightly.

Shiro froze utterly, one hand automatically coming around Ryou to steady himself.  “Woah.  Hey.  What’s this?”

“It’s what you think it is,” Ryou mumbled back, muffled into Shiro’s chest.  “I think you’re familiar with these.”

At first, Shiro hesitated, still not quite sure.  Then he settled into the hug, squeezing Ryou back.  “I’m alright.  Looks like you got me home.”

“This time,” Ryou replied.  He pulled back and hesitated, then pressed their foreheads together.  Shiro’s eyes widened with shock, but Ryou refused to pull back.  “You have to be more careful.  People miss you here.  Don’t do that.”

“Get hurt?  You know that’s my job, right?”

Setting his jaw, Ryou shook his head, mashing their bangs together.  “No.  Your job is to come home.”

“Ryou-”

“It is!”  His voice lowered to a low hiss, both too aware of their audience for anything else.  “Next time I won’t let you be hurt like that, got it?  I don’t… I don’t want to be the only one.  You’re my-”

The word stuck, too awkward even with practicing it earlier.

But Shiro sucked in a breath, and his eyes softened.  “You won’t let me?  How do you figure that?”

“No one’s going to hurt you again.  I’m going to make sure of it.  That’s what I want.”  He paused again, eyes flickering back, not quite able to see everyone else in the room.  When he spoke again, his voice was even lower, barely over a whisper.  “That’s what I want family to mean.”

Shiro’s eyes crashed closed.  He nodded, but didn’t answer.  Instead, his hands came up, squeezing Ryou’s shoulders.

That was okay.  They’d talk about it later.  Ryou didn’t expect a verbal response right now, not with a full room.

But when Ryou leaned up and pressed his forehead harder to Shiro’s, he got a smile.  “No more,” he repeated.

“I won’t lie and agree to that,” Shiro replied.  “But how about we protect each other?”  There was a twist to his lips that meant the double meaning was intentional.

They were both family.

Smiling, Ryou nodded.  He pulled back and settled against Shiro’s side so he could wrap an arm around to steady him.  “Alright, I’m done hogging you.”

“Finally,” Lance drawled, hands on his hips.  But from the quirk of his lips his soft gaze, it wasn’t Ryou’s hogging he was referring to.

For Lance, he suspected this was a given conclusion.  They were essentially related and understood each other fundamentally. Of course they would be family.  With Lance’s background, he had little reason to think otherwise.

It was a little more complicated for Ryou and Shiro.  Or maybe it wasn’t, and they just made it complicated for themselves.  But Ryou didn’t mind, in this case.  This was a good place to be, but it was the journey he appreciated.  The steps and hard work and experiences they took feel this way.  That was valuable.

Ryou was going to protect it.

He was going to protect Shiro and his team.

So the rest of the universe could back off or face the consequences.


End file.
